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00:04, nothing makes sense anymore

I’m not dead.

I’m still alive.

My brain still feels slow for some reason, maybe it’s the new medicine. I can’t really tell if it’s helping or not, but i am still on a very low dose so maybe that’s why.

I got some….news. Two days ago, i guess that it was good news but i’m still worried about my future and i always have this feeling in my chest that i’ll never be satisfied with my life and that i’m always going to dream of huge thing but always end up being disappointed.

I want to chase my dream, i really do. And i really think that i could make a difference with my voice because of the childhood that i’ve had and all the things i have seen in my life. I just don’t know how to use my voice as it is now, i’m still terrified of the world and it feels like everything is going to fall apart if i change anything in my ”pattern”.

I don’t want to give up. I want more than this. We’ll have to see what happens.

I’m one week clean today. Wounds are healing, they don’t itch anymore. Soon they’ll fade too.

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I woke up this morning but i’m still not awake, does that make sense?

I’m paralyzed by fear. I’m not exactly in danger right now, but i’m scared of doing anything.

I woke up, and i stayed in bed. I need to shower, i should brush my teeth at least, and i should probably eat something. I’m very hungry but i’m not doing anything about it.

I sat in the kitchen and cried, mom said that we’ll have to wait and see what the future is going to be like for me. But i don’t want to wait anymore, i’m sick of waiting.

I got a glass of juice and left, still crying, i took my antidepressants and more promethazine, i probably shouldn’t have waited this long, i’ve been awake since 13:03, it’s 18:03 now.

I had a terrible night. I took a sleeping pill and waited but no matter how ihard i tried i couldn’t fall asleep. I opened the windows, closed them when it got too cold, but then it was too warm so i opened them again, but then an owl was making weird sounds so i had to close them again, then i had to change the lighting, i turned off some fairy lights because they were annoying, and then it was too dark so i almost started to hallucinate, i was imagining things standing behind me, or people standing in the corner of my room, staring at me.

By 05:00 i’d tried to fall asleep for 8 hours. I took alimemazine and fell asleep 30 minutes later.

This is why i hate my life. Everything is a challenge, nothing is ever easy, i can’t sleep, i can’t eat, i can’t do the things i love because i hate everything these days.

I’m still hungry but i won’t eat, i’m too tired.

I left my mom in the kitchen, and as i walked into my room and saw my face in the mirror, with tears and red eyes and my dirty hair in a ponytail i thought to myself

”I’m done now. It’s not getting any better than this and I’m finished with this life, i’m done being alive”

I never admitted that before. It was strange, this isn’t me but at the same time it is.

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The approaching night

Around midnight is not when the ghosts come out, it’s when the anxiety comes out.

It puts it’s claws around my heart and squeezes it until i can’t breathe.

And every breath that i try to take feels like a million needles being pushed into my helpless body.

I try to force myself to think positive thoughts but i fail, over and over and over.

I can’t cry, i have no tears left. My eyes are dry, my brain is foggy. I don’t know who i am, i don’t know what i’ve become. I don’t know if i want to know.

I’m afraid that it’s too late, that this is all i’ll ever be. A beginning, a story that was never finished, i started to write the first pages but gave up after a chapter. And who wants to read a book that doesn’t have anything in it? No one.

I’m so lost.

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24 hours

I wish that i could just snap out of it, get my shit together and stop worrying so much. But i’m not one of those people.

When i worry, i worry hardcore. And when i’m having panic attacks they can last for days, sometimes even weeks. It’s not that i’m sitting on the floor, crying and screaming and banging my head into a wall 24/7, but i always have a storm inside of me, a war, something that you can’t really see from the outside, i look fine, but on the inside i’m dying and i’m not sure how long i can hold on.

I’m scared. I’m really scared, a few years ago i would be too ashamed to admit it, i was supposed to be the strong one all the time, but it’s not like that anymore. I can say it now, i’m scared, i’m terrified and i’m afraid that i’ve completely lost control over myself.

I want to push the feelings away and just focus on the 24 hours that i have in front of me but i can’t do that. It’s impossible. I’m suffering.

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Insomnia is a bitch

Exhausted but i can’t sleep.

As soon as i close my eyes bad memories starts playing inside my head. I just want to forget everything but i’m stuck. I can’t go back, i can’t leave, i can’t stay. This isn’t a life. I’m just alive, i’m existing but it’s pointless.

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Deep inside

It’s so tiring to always live on the edge.

To not know if i have a future or not.

To wonder, worry and have anxiety all the time.

I’m lonely, i’m very very lonely and i’m scared.

I could snap any second and hurt myself, or even worse, kill myself, it’s so scary. I don’t know how i’m supposed to survive this week. All i can do is wait and try to survive, take my medicines and not let my hope die again, cause that’s when things can get really dangerous.

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Heal

Tears streaming down my face. I’m crying, i’m talking to my mom over the phone, she says that we can fix this, that everything is going to be okay in the end, that she and everyone else sees that i’m fighting for my life every single day, that people miss me, that i’m not forgotten, that i don’t have to worry and just let her figure everything out.

There’s blood streaming down my arms and i don’t believe a word that she says. It feels like my life is over and it hasn’t even started yet.

I go to the bathroom, the dirty bathroom that i’m too tired to clean, i look in the mirror and see my ugly face. Eyes are swollen, everything is swollen, i have scratches on my cheeks and it looks like a cat made it, no, it was me, i couldn’t control my hands during a panic attack so i scratched my face, now it’s red. Salty tears, it stings on my cheeks.

Why does everything happen to me? I just want to be happy, is it really that much to ask for?

I’m talking to my mom over the phone again.

”How are you doing today?”

”Mom, i want to die.”

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Lonely day

I’m trying so hard to fix everything but it’s not working.

I have anxiety again, yay. I have taken promethazine and alimemazin tonight but it’s not helping that much. I feel like my brain is just.. slower, i guess. It’s so hard to write this.

I was going to write a long blog post but i realise now that i can’t. IT FEELS LIKE MY BRAIN IS GETTING SLOWER EVERY SECOND?? what is happening to me.

This wasn’t what i planned. Fuck.

Okay whatever, i’ll be back some other day because it’s been 30 minutes and i still haven’t written anything important so, yeah, bye, goodnight, pray for me or something.