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Monsters in the ballroom

Happy easter.

My mom and i made traditional swedish easter food, but vegan of course. It was really good.

I had bad anxiety last night, i could not sleep and i took a high dose of my anxiety medicines but it did not help at all.

When i finally fell asleep i had nightmares, it felt very real. I always forget my good dreams and remember the bad ones. I haven’t slept without dreaming for months… or maybe years? I don’t remember what it’s like to not wake up sweaty, with anxiety beating in my chest, sometimes with sleep paralysis, sometimes with hallucinations. Oh, and exploding head syndrome.

The only thing i like about sleeping is that it’s almost like being dead.

I’ve been listening to In flames a lot lately. Always with the highest volume possible, i try to drown my thoughts in music. My ears hurt now, i hear ringing noices all the time. I know i should be careful but i’m so tired of hearing my own thoughts. I just want them to shut up for once.

I don’t want to think about the razor blades and suicide and the future. The future terrifies me.

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Is this how i’ll always be?

I stayed up all night yesterday, i woke upp really late.

Mom came home and i broke down. She tells me that everyone talks about me, that they all want to see me again, she suggested that we could go to my grandparents on easter. And i said no.

I have tears in my eyes right now but i already cried enough today, i’m gonna force myself to not cry.

The problem is that i have no motivation. I’ve been isolated for so many years and i forgot what it’s like to have a life outside of this house. I’m numb to the world. I know that i’m destroying myself by staying here, but i just can’t force myself to change because it feels like it wouldn’t make a difference. I feel like a lost cause.

Tmi maybe, but my period was one week late this month and that never happens, i’ve hade an extremely regular period since i was 11 years old. I think that might be why my mind is so messy right now. I always keep track of my period so i know when it’s ”normal” anxiety and when it’s anxiety plus hormones, so this month it was like i’ve had 2 weeks of pms and i’ve been waiting for my period because the pms usually fades a little bit afterwards.

Sooo, i’m gonna hold on i guess.

My mom also told me something today.

In 2014-2016 i was mentally abused by a few people at the social service, it’s a really long story and i’m going to tell you all about some day but right now i can’t because i still have PTSD and i try not to think about what happened to me. But anyways, we reported these people and recently we got a letter that said that they are investigating the social services in my town and that our report is going to be helping a lot.

Hopefully i will be given a few thousand dollars for the suffering they caused me. It’s not going to make me forget the trauma or fix everything that they destroyed, but it’s something.

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Early morning

I’m listening to piano music through my headphones. I hear birds singing outside of my window and cars driving by on the main road, maybe they’re on their way to work, or maybe they’re going home.

I started to draw faces with crayons, one face, and another one, and another one, i created a scary creature that perfectly describes the way i feel most of the time. It looks like Lord Voldemort and Quirell in the first Harry Potter movie, but there are three faces instead of two, i guess the third one is me. Me and one evil dude and another dude that i don’t know if i can trust, but i’m stuck there with them, we all share the same body and i have no idea who i’m supposed to listen to.

I might burn the picture. Or destroy it and throw it away, because i’m ashamed. I would probably be labeled as completely crazy if anyone ever saw it.

I’ve been sad today, or i guess it was technically yesterday. I sent my mom a message before i fell asleep and she did not respond, i woke up to silence.

I called her, she said that she was coming home to check in on me but then she had to go to work and i’d be alone for another night.

Everyone in this family is fucked up and i don’t know why i’m even surprised anymore when things don’t turn out the way i want them to. I’m sick of this.

My stomach hurts.

Notre dame is gone, i watched a livestream for like 3 hours and i started crying and some people told me that my reaction was ridiculous. I saw how the flames were spreading, how the spire fell, it was so dramatic. And all of this happened a few days before easter, isn’t that kind of ironic? That this historical cathedral is destroyed on a holy week…

I know that Macron said that they’re going to rebuild it, but it’s not really going to be the same thing. I’ve never been to paris, i’ve never even been outside of the nordic countries, i always wanted to see Notre Dame. Art is importat to me, i’m not religous or anything, i was raised aethist/agnostic/whatever, but i love churches and monuments. It’s just so sad to see hundreds of years of history being destroyed in just a few hours on live tv. I heard that a firefighter has been seriously injured, i really hope that he/she will be okay, i really admire firefighters and everyone who risks their lives to save others. I know that we will create new art and new memories and history, the most important thing is that no one has been killed.

Sending all my love to paris, i’m grieving this great loss with you.

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My birthday

It’s my birthday for two more minutes so i’m going to tell you what my birthday was like and then i’m going to try to forget this day.

I got a few gifts, a soy wax candle, a big teacup, a weird hair mask that made my hair smell like caramel and a movie gift card-thingy.

The day didn’t start well. I’m disappointed and angry. In my previous post i told you about a bad birthday experience i had a few years ago, when my dad was high on drugs and everything was a complete mess.

I couldn’t sleep last night, i stayed up until 08:00. I woke up around 15:00, my phone was ringing.

It was my dad.

A million thoughts was going through my head, how did he get my number? Why was he calling me? Is he sober?

I listened to his voice, i looked for signs, but he was speaking clearly, he didn’t sound drunk or high. He wished me a happy birthday and said that he wanted to see me some day, i said maybe.

I don’t call him dad anymore because he isn’t my dad, i’m not sure if he ever was, maybe when i were a newborn, but i don’t remember that. I’ve heard stories from my childhood and i don’t know for sure but i think that it was okay in the beginning. I don’t know for sure when his addiction started or when things started to go downhill for the whole family. I just know that one day, we were not a normal family anymore. And drama, catastophes, abuse and alcohol and drugs became the ”normal” for all of us. Of course i’m angry that things turned out that way, i’m angry at my mom, because she should have protected me and my brother but she didn’t. We stayed with the man who tore us apart.

I haven’t recovered. The trauma is still in my body, it screams in the background all the time, i might not think about it all the time but it is always there and maybe it always will be – but my mom should have known better. We were in the kitchen, i asked her

”Did you give my number to _my dads name_?”

She said

”Yes i did, he just wanted to say happy birthday”

I answered

”Why did you do that without asking me? I woke up and the first thing i hear is his voice, the voice that i haven’t heard in 3 years because i don’t want to hear it anymore. Why would you do something like that to me on my birthday of all days?

”I’m sorry i should have thought about that”

Yes, you should have known better. Now my heart is going to stop for a second whenever i get a phonecall. Thanks a lot. This is exactly what i didn’t need.

I just want to get the hell out of here. I just wanna move and start over in a new city. I probably will, in august or september. We’re waiting for the contract for the house that we are going to rent.

I haven’t given up. I still have a little hope left, i want my life to get better of course. But i think that completely starting over somewhere far away from here is the only thing i can do. I’m just done here, it’s been 19 years, i’ve suffered, i’ve cried, bled and tried to end it all here. Here in this room, the smallest room in the house, the one with black walls and hundreds of books in it, in this room you can feel the anxiety in the walls.

I can’t heal in the same place where all of this started.

I need a real chance to get better. I hate my mom sometimes. She does stupid things, says stupid things and i don’t trust her because she used to be an alcoholic (yes, both my parents used to be addicts, tragic), but at least she is on the same page as me. I had to make her understand that this village and everything that happened here ruined me, and i can’t recover here.

I’m waiting. I have pms, i can feel it, but i think that the fluoxetine is helping because i have not had the extreme anxiety that i usually have, i feel okay, even if this day was a disaster. So.. it’s something.

I’m still on a low dose but i think a doctor is going to talk to my mom this week, hopefully i can get a higher dose soon. I think this is the right medicine for me, taking fluoxetine every day and olanzapine on my worst days could be the right thing for me. We’ll have to see.

Have a good night, or day, depending on where you are in the world.

Publicerad den av luziddreamer

Memories

Everything felt hopeless a few days ago but i’m okay for now.

Yesterday, early in the morning, i woke up and i thought that the apocalypse was here. I panicked for a few minutes, i stayed in bed because i’m scared to look out of the windows, that’s how much my social anxiety affects me. I live in the middle of nowhere, in a tiny village with not that many people living here. But i’m fucking terrified of standing near the windows, isn’t that pathetic?

Anyways, i gathered strength and i hid behind a curtain and peeked out aaand… it was just a farmer with his tractor, doing farmer-stuff on the meadow outside of our house.

I’ve lived here for 19 years on sunday and i hear tractors and noises from the sawmill every single day, but it has never been this fucking loud before, the entire house was shaking and my ears are still ringing, it was so loud!! So yeah, i freaked out. I went back to sleep after that and i had nightmares once again.

I know that i’ve mentioned my birthday a million times now but i can’t stop thinking about it.

I remember one birthday a long time ago, i think i was turning 12 or 13 or something like that, and we were going to the city to have dinner with my grandparents and it was a complete catastrophe. My dad used to be a drug addict, or maybe he still is, he was clean and sober the last time i talked to him but that was like 3 years ago so i’m not sure what he’s up to now. But back then he was using most of the time, he has heart problems and a pacemaker so sometimes he’d be clean for a while, but he’d always fall back and that’s why i can’t trust him or anyone else. So on my birthday, we were sitting in the car and i started noticing things, those tiny details that tells you that something is wrong, no one else can see it, but i could and i still can, because i grew up with parents who were drug addicts and alcoholics.

I noticed the eyes, how he was there but at the same time he wasn’t, the way he spoke, he’d mispronounce a word and i’d know instantly that things were getting bad again.

I started crying and screaming, begging him to get out of the car, it was my birthday and i didn’t want to deal with his bullshit on the day that was supposed to be all about me. It was supposed to be a happy day, MY day, and he ruined it and once again he chose drugs over me. And the sad part is that i was already so used to it, i was just a child but somehow i had to grow up overnight and take care of myself, guide myself through life and raise myself – because no one else was going to do that for me.

He refused to get out of the car. I kept begging, i didn’t want him there, i had already seen him high and drunk thousands of times and i was sick of it, i didn’t want to see it again, he kept refusing, i screamed so loud

”Dad, all i want is you to leave, i don’t want you here, i don’t want to see you like this and i don’t want you to destroy another important day for me, can you please just get out of the car, i’ll do anything, i’ll pay you to just get out of the car!! Take all my birthday money, just get out of the fucking car please!”

My voice was breaking. I cry when i’m angry.

My grandparents were waiting for us at the resaturant, we were an hour late. I started hitting my dad, i know that i should not have done that, but he had beat me before and i just wanted him to know what it felt like.

He finally left the car.

We met up with my grandparents at the restaurant, and things didn’t get better there. I couldn’t stop thinking about the things that happened in the car, and i knew that i would probably see my dad when we came home and that he’d be even worse than earlier.

I ditched classes a lot during this time, i didn’t like my new school, the teachers were awful, i thought the bullying would end once i switched schools but it didn’t. The teachers didn’t even remember my name, they kept using the wrong name and it was embarrasing, they forced me to talk in front of the whole class, in front of the people that hated me and bullied me and mocked me for my green hair and my tokio hotel t-shirt and my piercings.

I hated them and i didn’t want to talk in front of them because i knew that someone was going to make fun of me and scream ”SPEAK LOUDER” from the back of the classroom and they would laugh at me for staring at the floor and having tears in my eyes.

My grandparents did not like this, i mean, the fact that i stayed home from school 50% of the time and i pretended to be sick so i wouldn’t have to go. I think they knew about the bullying but i guess they didn’t care or understand enough.

Like 30 minutes into the dinner my grandma started talking about my little school-problem. It was like a ”serious talk”.

I knew that staying home from school is bad, i knew that i was ruining my future and causing trouble for everyone. But i was so fucking tired of trying to fit in, to always feel homesick but not knowing where home is. I hated school and i hated my so-called home.

I was so annoyed that my grandma chose to talk about my ”behaviour problems” and my ”laziness in school” during my birthday dinner, i had tears in my eyes but i refused to cry in front of them. I stayed quiet during the rest of the dinner.

And no one understood what was going on with me, that that was my lifelong mental illness starting to show and i had no one there to catch me when i was falling. I was a child, thinking about suicide every day. It’s not supposed to be like that.

We finished the dinner, we stopped by the store and bought ben & jerry’s, it’s so expensive and my family was/is poor so i’d only get a pint of b&j on my birthday. On this birthday the ice cream was tasteless and my body was numb, my hands were sore from hitting my dad and my throat was hurting.

So yeah, i don’t know what i wanted to say with all of this. I guess i just want to write down all these little memories that i think about a lot, not because i want to remember these things, i just want to… i don’t know, prove to myself that i’ve survived so fucking much and that i can survive so much more. I have so many traumas from my childhood, i want to share it with the world.

I know i’m not alone, and i hope that you know that you are not alone.

Thanks for reading this.

Publicerad den av luziddreamer

My last days being 18

It’s my birthday in 5 days. Feels weird. I don’t want to get older. I don’t want to exist. But i’m too scared to end it all.

Fake spring is over, it’s getting colder. My hands are freezing.

I woke up to sirens a few days ago, apparently my neighbours barn was on fire.

I’m gonna try to find vegan easter candy, the same that my german grandma used to give me. I miss her.

I can read again, i don’t get stuck after two pages anymore so that’s good.

Publicerad den av luziddreamer · 2 kommentarer

04:40 i should be sleeping but i’m listening to SOAD and overthinking

It’s not going to be like this forever.

Things will change

I will break free some day

It’s gonna take some time

But it’s not going to be like this forever

It’s

Not

Going

To

Be

Like

This

Forever

There was a life before depression and there is going to be a life after depression

I keep telling myself these things, the anxiety is echoing inside of me, i try to push it away, i repeat the same words over and over in my head.

And that’s the only thing that is stopping me from having a complete mental breakdown.

I also have pms. And it’s my birthday in a week and i’m probably going to spend it in my bed, feeling old and having cramps and anxiety. I hate birthdays and i hate periods. Yay.

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I don’t know what to name this

I have really extreme nightmares and i don’t know what is causing it.

My nightmares feel like they are 10 hours long, i wake up in my bed all sweaty and my body is shaking. Last night i thought i was about to have a heart attack, my heart was beating in a way that i had never experienced before and i was just trying to breathe but it felt like i was waiting for my heart to stop beating, and somehow i was not 100% awake, i really thought that i was dying.

I dreamt that i was wearing military clothes, i had a rifle, i was with a group of people and we were fighting against another group of people, i don’t know who they were or why we were fighting, i just felt very vulnerable. I tried to save myself but i was slower than everyone else so they left me behind, i felt so lonely.

I wish that i could say that ”it was just a dream and everything felt better when i woke up” but that would be a lie. I am lonely, i am isolated. I try not to think about it, because when i do it’s like i’m accepting that this is my life. But at the same time i have to think about it because how am i going to be able to change if i’m always terrified to admit that i have some huge issues?

I think i wrote a few weeks ago that i can’t read new books, that i’ve been reading The girl with the dragon tattoo over and over because that book is so familiar to me. Not it’s gotten worse and i can’t even read that book anymore, and i can’t listen to musik, only instrumental songs and songs that aren’t in english or scandinavian, i get a really weird feeling in my body when i understand the lyrics, i don’t know why i feel this way, it’s never been like this before. I keep going downstairs to the kitchen to tell my mom to turn off the radio when she’s washing the dishes. I think it’s because the voices on the radio are reminding me of the world outside, the world that i’m no longer a part of because i don’t leave the house, i barely leave my room.

I had a fight with mom earlier and i cried because i feel so misunderstood and everyone are prioritizing the wrong things. Sigh.

Friday night and i’m in my dark bedroom, thinking about suicide and razor blades,

Dear god that i don’t believe in, i want so much more than this.

Publicerad den av luziddreamer · 4 kommentarer

Fucked up

I think the only word that can describe what i feel like right now is: confusion.

I’m confused. I feel like a stranger in my own mind and body, i don’t know what i’m doing or what i’m waiting for, i just know that i’m getting closer and closer to complete destruction for every day that passes by.

I stay up all night and think, i fall asleep when the sun rises and the birds are screaming a the top of their lungs outside my window.

I never wanted this life. I thought that i’d do extraordinary things, i thought that i was special, that i’d be something, someone. Well, i’m not. I’m no one. I barely exist anymore, i share this planet with bilions of other people but i don’t feel like i’m a part of this world, if that makes any sense at all?

I’m not this person, i’m someone else deep inside but i can’t break free. It’s like i’m surrounded by a cube of thick unbreakable glass and i just can’t break it and no one else can see that it’s even there.

Fuck, it wasn’t supposed to turn out this way, this isn’t what i planned or expected when i thought about my future.

I showered today, after gathering strength and energy for two weeks. I sat in the bathtub and cried because it was so exhausting. It was exhausting to wash my hair, to change clothes, everything is a challenge these days.

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I had a dream

Last night i dreamt that i was on a cruise ship and i had to guide children who had died to the afterlife (yes, elsewhere is my favorite book).

It was strange, but kind of beautiful? It made me think of my grandma, she died last year and i miss her a lot. I didn’t visit her these last years because of my illness, i’m not sure how much she understood but i’m ashamed every single day because of what i did, or what i didn’t do really. I was even too scared to go to her funeral, i stayed home and stared into a wall, i had not left the house for 2 years and i couldn’t force myself to break the isolation, it breaks my heart to admit it, i’m still isolated, and tears are streaming down my face now because i don’t want to admit it.

I hate social anxiety.