I guess the problem is that i’m too scared of what it’s going to do to me.
I don’t want to talk about it, the trauma, my childhood. I’m afraid that it’s going to destroy me completely, that i’ll be forced to relive everything that happened.
I’m angry and disappointed. This year has not been a good one, and i don’t know what i was expecting, did i really think that all that ”new year, new me” bullshit was real? I’m stuck, i’m still here in my room doing absolutely nothing. I’m lonely, i’m terrified of the future and the fact that i’m getting older and older but i’m still nowhere near recovery.
I don’t know what to do at this point.
I know that i made some progress this year… if i really think about it and compare it to who i was last year, i have made some progress, but it’s not enough. Not even close.
But i’ve left the house a few times this year, last year i only left the house 2 times. I started taking antidepressants again, i’ve been watching my mom’s friends dogs a few times a month, i went shopping with my mom for the first time in 5 years – i was in two stores!! for 40 minutes, that’s kind of a big deal now that i think about it… i’ve gotten better at painting and drawing and i’m satisifed with the art that i’m creating, earlier i hated everything that i created and i wouldn’t let anyone see it, now my paintings are hanging in every single room of our house and even a few in my grandmas house.
There’s been a handful of good things, buy mostly awful things, lonely nights, anxiety, panic attacks, razor blades and bleeding arms, nightmares, suicide plans, tears.
I don’t even know what i’m writing, it’s 02:00 right now and i’ve taken a sleeping pill, i can’t seem to think straight.
All i can say is that i hope that next year is going to be better, and i hope that i can move on and let go of my toxic habits and try to recover from all of this.
But i have no expectations anymore, i’m not going to promise myself or anyone else anything, because i don’t know. I don’t know. Anything can happen.
I’m not going backwards, i’m moving towards the future, i can’t keep living in the past and drown in ptsd, i have to try to move on somehow. The past can’t be changed, but i can change the future by trying harder, accepting help and let it take time. I want to get there, but most nights i doubt myself and if life is even worth living because i can’t remember what it’s like to be truly happy. I’ve lost so much. And i’m tired.
I won’t give you any promises. But will try to turn things around. My mom calls me a fighter, a survivor, maybe she’s right.