08-12-2019

I guess the problem is that i’m too scared of what it’s going to do to me.

I don’t want to talk about it, the trauma, my childhood. I’m afraid that it’s going to destroy me completely, that i’ll be forced to relive everything that happened.

I’m angry and disappointed. This year has not been a good one, and i don’t know what i was expecting, did i really think that all that ”new year, new me” bullshit was real? I’m stuck, i’m still here in my room doing absolutely nothing. I’m lonely, i’m terrified of the future and the fact that i’m getting older and older but i’m still nowhere near recovery.

I don’t know what to do at this point.

I know that i made some progress this year… if i really think about it and compare it to who i was last year, i have made some progress, but it’s not enough. Not even close.

But i’ve left the house a few times this year, last year i only left the house 2 times. I started taking antidepressants again, i’ve been watching my mom’s friends dogs a few times a month, i went shopping with my mom for the first time in 5 years – i was in two stores!! for 40 minutes, that’s kind of a big deal now that i think about it… i’ve gotten better at painting and drawing and i’m satisifed with the art that i’m creating, earlier i hated everything that i created and i wouldn’t let anyone see it, now my paintings are hanging in every single room of our house and even a few in my grandmas house.

I’m confused.

There’s been a handful of good things, buy mostly awful things, lonely nights, anxiety, panic attacks, razor blades and bleeding arms, nightmares, suicide plans, tears.

I don’t even know what i’m writing, it’s 02:00 right now and i’ve taken a sleeping pill, i can’t seem to think straight.

All i can say is that i hope that next year is going to be better, and i hope that i can move on and let go of my toxic habits and try to recover from all of this.

But i have no expectations anymore, i’m not going to promise myself or anyone else anything, because i don’t know. I don’t know. Anything can happen.

I’m not going backwards, i’m moving towards the future, i can’t keep living in the past and drown in ptsd, i have to try to move on somehow. The past can’t be changed, but i can change the future by trying harder, accepting help and let it take time. I want to get there, but most nights i doubt myself and if life is even worth living because i can’t remember what it’s like to be truly happy. I’ve lost so much. And i’m tired.

I won’t give you any promises. But will try to turn things around. My mom calls me a fighter, a survivor, maybe she’s right.

Hi again

I’m not sure why i haven’t updated in almost 3 months.

Things are not good rn, but i guess they never are?

I don’t know what to say, i’m very tired, lonely and depressed.

I’ve got a thing for self destruction

This week has been awful in many ways.

I see my own reflection and i see a monster. I’ve covered allt he mirrors in the house.

I have no confidence left. I hate myself. My face… the way it moves when i’m talking, how i can’t show my teeth when i’m smiling or talking and it makes me look like the ugliest person in the whole world.

I don’t want to leave the house, don’t want anyone to see me.

I sit in my room, i paint and i think about what a terrible person i am, on the inside and on the outside. I don’t want to be me anymore.

Forgiveness is healing?

I’ve noticed that i’m starting to let go of my past. i mean, it’s always going to be there, the trauma is never going to leave me and i will never forget everything that happened to me.

But the past is the past, i don’t have a time machine so i can’t change it, but it doesn’t matter because i’m not going in that direction, i’m moving forward, to my future and hopefully to a life that is better and worth living.

I want to forgive. My parents, myself, everyone who asked me for forgiveness when they realized that they hurt me in some way.

I think that wounds in your souls are kind of like wounds on your body. I’m not ready to fully let go of my past, the wounds in my soul are still open and they hurt sometimes, but i’m putting band aids on the wounds. And when i’m ready i’m going to start stitching them up, let it take time to heal, and hopefully i’ll smile when i see that the scars are changing colors, from red, to pink, to white. Until i only can see them when the sun is shining on me or i’m standing under a bright light, and it’ll remind me not of the pain that i went through but the fact that i survived all the things that i thought was going to kill me.

I think that forgiveness can heal you, if they deserve it – try to forgive them. If they don’t deserve it – try to forget them.

And continue, never stop. Slow progress is still progress and while i’m hurting and still experiencing things that are extremely frightening, i’m also learning new things, about myself, about other people, about the world. And that you can survive even when everything is pitch black.

Hello, i’m still alive

I can’t write. I don’t know what to say, i completely forgot that i have this blog.

I’m doing okay, i think. I’m really trying to make progress but it’s hard, really really hard.

I’m trying to accept a few things, like the fact that i’ll never be perfect or have that perfect life. I’m trying to appreaciate the things that i have instead of being sad over the things that i don’t have.

I’m on a kind of spiritual journey i guess. I’m letting myself explore the unknown, i don’t think that i see myself as an atheist anymore, maybe agnostic but… i just want it to be more than this. It seems pointless otherwise.

I don’t know what to say, my head is a mess and my vision is blurry.

Lovely

I’m tired, very tired.

I’m on a higher dose of antidepressants now and i can definitely feel it, and not in a good way. It’s always like this, i feel worse for a few weeks, sometimes a few months – and then it gets better. I know it does, but it right now it feels like i’m never going to see the light again.

I’m not really suicidal, i’m not self harming anymore, i think about death and i think about suicide every day of course but i’ve been doing that since i was 11, i’m not planning anything because i’m too tired for that, isn’t it ironic?

I’m painting all the time, i’m reading about spiritual journeys and it’s pretty interesting. That’s pretty much it. It doesn’t get more interesting than this.

Am i not enough?

About a week ago i stayed up all night and painted the walls in my room, i put up the fake brick wall, i put up pictures of me, my brother and my grandma, some paintings that i made when i was younger, vinyl records, old cameras, fairy lights and a bunch of other things. My room isn’t completely dark and depressing anymore and i like it very much.

I also like that this summer hasn’t been horrible and extremely warm like it was in 2018.

I don’t really know what’s going on with me right now. I’m very tired and i have some crazy anxiety most of the time.

I ordered two new dresses, a skirt, a hat and a swimsuit a few weeks ago and they arrived two days ago. I was extremely anxious that day but i took olanzapine and prayed that the anxiety would go away. It didn’t, not 100% at least, but it was enough and i left the house. I put on my new dress and my hat and my mom and i went to the store and bought ice cream and after that we drove until we found a lake. It was nice, the water wasn’t too cold, i didn’t swim or anything but it was nice to spend some time by the water. I saw some cows standing on the other side of the lake, a cute and very tiny bumblebee sat on my shoe.

After that we went home, i had some pasta and i fell asleep. I hate sleep right now, i have nightmares all the time and i always remember my dreams, it’s horrible.

I actually have more to say but i’m too tired and sad right now.

I can’t escape from the past

I had the flu last week so i didn’t leave the house at all.

It feels like i’m starting to become isolated again and everytime this happens it’s like i have to start over and go through all the phases of fear, anxiety and feeling disappointed and angry with myself because i let this happen again.

I was crying in the kitchen yesterday and i told my mom that i’m having the nightmares again. The flashback-nightmares. They are terrible and so scary and i’m so so so tired when i wake up because i have to re-live the past and experience traumatic events all over again. I hate it.

It seems to be impossible to find sleeping pills that doesn’t have awful side-effects.

Even if i’m super tired and exhausted right now i decided to change my room a little bit. Or let’s be real – a lot. My mom gave me huuge paper for me to paint on but i didn’t know what i wanted to do with it. One of my favorite youtubers is Claire Wineland (rest in peace) and in one of her videos she did a hospital room makeover and it was soo inspiring to see that. In the video she made a really cool fake brick wall with paper and water colors and i happened to have this really big paper that my mom gave me and water colors that i haven’t used because i prefer to paint with aquarelle, so i spent the last two days painting a brick wall and it turned out really good. I didn’t have enough paper to cover the whole wall so i’m going to paint the rest of the wall white tomorrow. I painted my whole room black when i was 15 or something like that and i was so depressed (well i still am) and i wanted everything to be black and depressing. I’m a little tired of my black walls now so it feels good to change them a little bit.

So when i woke up at two am today i put up the brick wall and then i threw away a bunch of shit that is just collecting dust in my room. To be honest, i never really clean the floors in my room or remove any of the dust so my room was pretty nasty, i even had dust on the walls, i don’t even know how that’s possible… But it’s gone now, i vacuum cleaned eeeverything and mopped the floor. I need to fix like a proper schedule for cleaning so i don’t let it go too long until the next time i decide to clean my room. I also have asthma so that makes it even more important.

June

I’m not writing anything right now because i don’t know what i feel.

My mom and i planned to visit a bunch of places this summer, enjoy the surrounding cities before i leave this place and move to southern Sweden. I was happy and excited about it for a while but now i have that pointless feeling in my chest again. Nothing matters.

I’ve had the flu this week. It was weird. My brain is already fucked up but the fever fucked it up even more. It was a confusing week.

I think i’m a little bitter. Just a little bit.

Sad and bitter and… what’s the word i’m looking for? I’m drawing a blank right now. Maybe the word i’m thinking of can’t be translated to english?

I’ll try to explain it: I’m jealous, i’m angry and i’m sad that other people are happy while i’m drowning in my own failures and endless sadness. It doesn’t make sense at all because i’m usually not like that. I want people to be happy because i know exactly what it feels like to be at the bottom of the ocean, trying to scream for help. I don’t want to people to be sad, but i don’t want to see happy people, you know? Because it’s like it’s always reminding me of everything that i don’t have, everything that i never had growing up, and everything that i’ll never have in this life.

I don’t know what more there is to say. I’m not proud of the things that i’m feeling. I wish that i could change the way that i think but it’s easier said than done when you’re so inside of your brain 24/7. But i know that i’m going to have to solve these problems some day, because i’ll die if i don’t. I’m just a brain, and a body, but mostly a brain, the body is just a shell. I don’t know if i believe in souls, maybe? Even if i have a soul i still have to make the best out of this life, maybe i’ll get another chance when i die, whether it’s reaincarnation or heaven, hell, whatever. I’m here now, and nothing else matters. I am this brain and this body, maybe there’s a soul here too, but how are you supposed to know that? Maybe this is all you get, one life, one chance, you could live for 100 years or you could die young. But we don’t know for sure, and that’s why i want to keep going. If this is all that i’m going to get i’m going to fight for how i want to live. I tend to think nihilistic thoughts often but i’m trying to change that way that i see the world, myself, what’s beyond our world. If death is what i’ve been thinking that it is for most of my life – that it’s just game over, light’s out, the definition of nothing, then nothing that we do really matters, unless we do something amazing that leaves a mark on this planet, that makes people remember you for a long long time.

One time when i was extremely tired and sad and sick of being alive i sent a message to my best friend and he said some things that really made me rethink my life.

He saved my life when i was suicidal, a few years before that i saved his life when he was suicidal. I told him that it felt like my life is pointless and that it wouldn’t make a difference if i disappeared and that i’m not leaving anything important behind.

And he said: You’re like the only reason that i’m still alive, and you’re wrong, your life is not worthless, you saved my life and after that i saved someones life, it’s like a snowball-effect of lifesaving.

And i think that he’s right, maybe the person he saved saved someone, maybe that person is studying to become a doctor now, maybe that person is going to save so many lives, and maybe the people that they save are going to save a bunch of people.

I thought that this was a beautiful way to look at it and it really keeps me going to have his support and all his love.

It could be worse, i have the best friend ever, he’s my only close friend but i’d rather have one loyal and amazing friend than 10 friends that i can’t really trust (like when i was younger)

I wasn’t going to write anything but here i am writing a super long post, haha. I’m super tired, i’ve been awake all night. It’s midsummer today, but i don’t think we’re going to celebrate or anything. I have some bad memories related to midsummer celebrations and i don’t want to think about it. Swedes tend to drink a lot of alcohol on occasions like these, and as you know if you’ve been reading my blog for a while – i hate alcohol and i’m terrified of drunk people.

Well well well.

I’ll write again soon hopefully.

The grey

I recieved some good news a few days ago. But i’m anxious now.

I don’t know why and maybe that’s okay, maybe i just need to wait and see what happens. There’s not much i can do now anyway, i take my medicines and i try to stay away from the blades. I want to write more but i really can’t, i’m tired all the time even if i sleep all day.