Publicerad den av luziddreamer

June

I’m not writing anything right now because i don’t know what i feel.

My mom and i planned to visit a bunch of places this summer, enjoy the surrounding cities before i leave this place and move to southern Sweden. I was happy and excited about it for a while but now i have that pointless feeling in my chest again. Nothing matters.

I’ve had the flu this week. It was weird. My brain is already fucked up but the fever fucked it up even more. It was a confusing week.

I think i’m a little bitter. Just a little bit.

Sad and bitter and… what’s the word i’m looking for? I’m drawing a blank right now. Maybe the word i’m thinking of can’t be translated to english?

I’ll try to explain it: I’m jealous, i’m angry and i’m sad that other people are happy while i’m drowning in my own failures and endless sadness. It doesn’t make sense at all because i’m usually not like that. I want people to be happy because i know exactly what it feels like to be at the bottom of the ocean, trying to scream for help. I don’t want to people to be sad, but i don’t want to see happy people, you know? Because it’s like it’s always reminding me of everything that i don’t have, everything that i never had growing up, and everything that i’ll never have in this life.

I don’t know what more there is to say. I’m not proud of the things that i’m feeling. I wish that i could change the way that i think but it’s easier said than done when you’re so inside of your brain 24/7. But i know that i’m going to have to solve these problems some day, because i’ll die if i don’t. I’m just a brain, and a body, but mostly a brain, the body is just a shell. I don’t know if i believe in souls, maybe? Even if i have a soul i still have to make the best out of this life, maybe i’ll get another chance when i die, whether it’s reaincarnation or heaven, hell, whatever. I’m here now, and nothing else matters. I am this brain and this body, maybe there’s a soul here too, but how are you supposed to know that? Maybe this is all you get, one life, one chance, you could live for 100 years or you could die young. But we don’t know for sure, and that’s why i want to keep going. If this is all that i’m going to get i’m going to fight for how i want to live. I tend to think nihilistic thoughts often but i’m trying to change that way that i see the world, myself, what’s beyond our world. If death is what i’ve been thinking that it is for most of my life – that it’s just game over, light’s out, the definition of nothing, then nothing that we do really matters, unless we do something amazing that leaves a mark on this planet, that makes people remember you for a long long time.

One time when i was extremely tired and sad and sick of being alive i sent a message to my best friend and he said some things that really made me rethink my life.

He saved my life when i was suicidal, a few years before that i saved his life when he was suicidal. I told him that it felt like my life is pointless and that it wouldn’t make a difference if i disappeared and that i’m not leaving anything important behind.

And he said: You’re like the only reason that i’m still alive, and you’re wrong, your life is not worthless, you saved my life and after that i saved someones life, it’s like a snowball-effect of lifesaving.

And i think that he’s right, maybe the person he saved saved someone, maybe that person is studying to become a doctor now, maybe that person is going to save so many lives, and maybe the people that they save are going to save a bunch of people.

I thought that this was a beautiful way to look at it and it really keeps me going to have his support and all his love.

It could be worse, i have the best friend ever, he’s my only close friend but i’d rather have one loyal and amazing friend than 10 friends that i can’t really trust (like when i was younger)

I wasn’t going to write anything but here i am writing a super long post, haha. I’m super tired, i’ve been awake all night. It’s midsummer today, but i don’t think we’re going to celebrate or anything. I have some bad memories related to midsummer celebrations and i don’t want to think about it. Swedes tend to drink a lot of alcohol on occasions like these, and as you know if you’ve been reading my blog for a while – i hate alcohol and i’m terrified of drunk people.

Well well well.

I’ll write again soon hopefully.

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The grey

I recieved some good news a few days ago. But i’m anxious now.

I don’t know why and maybe that’s okay, maybe i just need to wait and see what happens. There’s not much i can do now anyway, i take my medicines and i try to stay away from the blades. I want to write more but i really can’t, i’m tired all the time even if i sleep all day.

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To everyone who takes the time to read my blog:

I appreciate you all so much.

My main goal in life is to survive, to change my life and try to recover from this illness. But i do have some huge dreams too, i want to work with music because music is one of the things that kept me alive for all these years. I think most people have a dream that they don’t talk about, maybe becaue you think that you’ll never be able to reach your goals, or maybe you think that you’re too old, not talented enough, not brave enough.

I love to write, i love to paint, i love to play guitar and i love to write songs about my illness. I hope that i’ll be able to share all of this with the world some day.

But for now, this blog is my main focus, not many people read this blog, but to those of you who read everything that i have to say, those of you who takes the time to like and comment on my posts – i honestly love you all. I love to hear the notifications on my phone in the middle of the night and seeing that someone liked my post, i love to look at my blog statistics and see which country you’re from.

I’ve spent a big part of my life being kind of stuck in my own head, i’ve had ideas and i’ve ”written” things in my mind but i was never brave enough to start writing in english, i am swedish, i’ve never been outside of the nordic countries, and i’m doing my best to improve my english skills and writing this blog and talking to people all over the world is really helping. I always assumed that no one wanted to listen to what i have to say, so i spent most of my time suffering in silence. I love that i can write whatever i want here and no one is judging me, i haven’t recieved a single mean comment yet. It doesn’t matter if only a handful of people wants to read this, it’s enough to know that someone is actually reading my posts. I appreciate you all so much. Thank you.

Publicerad den av luziddreamer

06-05

I’m alive.

I’m trying my best to stay positive but some things are bothering me and i have anxiety. It’s getting warmer and warmer here, it was almost 30 degrees celsius here today. I’m awake all night and i sleep all day so i don’t have to be awake when it’s super warm, i’m extremely sensitive to temperature changes. I really hate warm weather. A few days ago we had a terrible thunder storm too, it was raining like crazy and there was lightning everywhere, it was so loud and the power went out for a few hours.

We were watching my mothers friends dog on sunday and monday so i went with my mom to their house. I met a lovely cat and he didn’t want to leave me, i carried him around everywhere, i’m allergic to cats but he was too cute and i couldn’t stay away from him. I also met some cute ducks, horses and of course the dog. We took a walk with him pretty late at night and then again in the morning. It was fun, animals make me happy.

We’re waiting for the bank to call us, they’re going to have some kind of meeting and make a decision about our living situation and all that shit. I’m really worried, i was hoping that they would call us this week but they’re gonna call on monday instead because it’s the national day here tomorrow so the banks are closed tomorrow. Ugh.

I made a blueberry pie today, with oat custard, it was really yummy.

Oh, and we’re watching another dog this weekend, he’s been here before but only one night, this time i get to hang out with him for 3 whole days and nights, it’s gonna be amazing.

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A bad idea

I remember that i wrote something in my old diary a few years ago.

I wrote a list of things that i have to remember, things like
Don’t trust people

People don’t change

Be there for your best friend

and

Don’t try melatonin again, it’s still a bad idea.

I should’ve listened to myself. 2013-15 were very traumatic years for me, and i took melatonin a lot during the whole ”crisis” that my family was in. And now i remember why i wrote down in my diary that i shouln’t use melatonin: Because i get exploding head syndrome, sleep paralysis, awful nightmares and when i wake up i’m hallucinating. Nothing too serious, i’m not hearing voices or anything but i’m hearing random sounds. When i woke up today it sounded like someone was cracking their knuckles, which made me think ”oh my god there’s someone in my room”, which is pretty much impossible because there are like 10 rooms in our house and my room is the smallest and there’s literally nowhere to hide in here, so no one could possibly be here. But then i thought ”oh my god, it was probably a ghost!!”, so i closed my eyes, too scared to look because i’m scared of ghosts even though i don’t believe in them. I don’t believe in life after death at all because i was raised pretty atheist. I might believe in reincarnation, but not heaven or hell or any of that stuff.

Anyway, i’m not gonna take the medicine tomorrow because i’ve only slept 8 hours the past 2 days and that is not enough at all. I need to get my sleep and at this point i don’t care if i’m sleeping in the middle of the day, as long as i am sleeping at all.

And i have been doing so much progress lately, i’m leaving the house so much now. My mom and i are planning to take the ferry to a little island that’s pretty close to where we live, i don’t know which day, we’ll have to see how i’m doing. I’m not going to push myself too hard.

Yesterday i cried for the first time in a long time actually, my mom called me, she had a meeting with the bank because there’s a bunch of things that needs to be taken care of before we move and it made me really sad because i didn’t get the answers that i was expecting, instead we’ll have to wait 2 more weeks and that makes me feel so stressed out. She also told me that i have a doctors appointment, i don’t remember which day it was but i started panicking when she told me that. I am making progress but i don’t feel strong enough to meet a doctor yet. The reason they wanted me to come to the hospital is because in july i’m allowed to get money from the state, since i’m too ill to work or go to school right now. It’s like 800 dollars a month i think, 520 or something after tax, and for me that’s a lot of money because i grew up being poor as fuck, and we still are poor in my family. I felt really sad and worthless when my mom told me that, i don’t pay rent, i don’t pay for food, i don’t pay for medicines. And it made me feel so ashamed that i can’t just get my shit together and go see that doctor, i’m an adult but it feels like i’m still a child. I panic so much about getting older, i want to go back to being 14 and stay there forever.

I know that i haven’t had the same chance to grow up and be an responsible adult like most people, i grew up with addicts and in a lot of ways i had to raise myself and that is incredibly difficult. I didn’t turn out perfect, but who does? I know that not everyone grows up at the same time, it takes longer for some people, especially if you’re mentally ill. And if it’s true what the doctors keep telling me – that i’ve been living with undiagnosed autism my entire life – then it makes even more sense why i feel so lost and lonely in this big world. No one gave me the right help to handle all these feelings that i’ve had for 19 years.

I told mom about my feelings and that i feel so ashamed because i’m so useless and she said:

”I’m not asking you for rent, the money you’ll get from the state is yours, i’m not going to ask you to give it to me. I just want you to have it because you deserve to get help now, it’s your turn now. And you don’t need to worry about it, i’m never ever going to decide one day that you have to get out of here and take care of yourself. Don’t worry about medicines or money or rent. One day you’ll be able to see a doctor and if you can’t do it right now that’s okay.

Erase that thought now, don’t think about it.

There, now it’s gone”

So i’m glad that she understands and all that, but i still feel useless. Maybe it’s because i’m so tired right now. Well well.

Publicerad den av luziddreamer

Faded dreams

I left the house again today, or i guess it was yesterday because it’s the middle of the night here now.

My mom and i drove to the limestone quarry, it was beautiful, we watched the sunrise and i took many pictures and there was a lot of art there, it was waaay bigger than i remembered it.

After that we went home and i ate soy yoghurt and drank a bunch of water because i was feeling nauseous. I think it was because of my fear of heights, when we drove up the hill to the limestone quarry i started to feel a little panicked. And i always have to remind myself that i’m okay, i’m not dying today either.

But i couldn’t stop myself from looking down, and i thought: would i die immediately if i jumped? I hate that i always have these thoughts, i wasn’t even that sad and i didn’t exactly feel suicidal that morning, but i still thought about killing myself, while my mom was standing beside me. It’s terrible.

It’s like i’ve been thinking so much about suicide these 8 years that it’s become so normal to me, i see all dangerous things as a potential suicide method.



Oh well, we’ll have to work on that i guess.

The good thing is that i’ve been leaving the house more times these 3 months than i did the entire last year.

My mom and i decided that i need to get glasses. I did see an eye specialist many years ago and she said that i have astigmatism and that’s one of the reasons that i had headaches all the time when i was still in school. I ended up not getting any glasses after that because everything in my life fell apart shortly after that and i couldn’t focus on anything, i was too ill and i didn’t plan to be alive much longer anyway, so getting glasses seemed completely unnecessary.

So it’s definitely about time that i see a specialist again, i was a child back then and i’m an adult now and i can tell that my eyes has changed, i don’t get headaches that often anymore. Back then i would have headaches every single day and i’d get migraine occasionally, most of it completely disappeared when i went vegan 4 years ago. And i know that the veganism was the ”cure” for me because when i accidentally eat milk or egg, i instantly get headaches. It’s crazy, but it’s okay, i don’t plan to ever eat animals or their body fluids ever again, haha. But i still get migraines sometimes, usually when i have pms, and i get really bad pms, since i already am depressed i tend to gointo complete depressed-i-want-to-die-right-now-or-maybe-slit-my-wrists-a-little-bit-mode when the pms arrives. A tip to all depressed people who have periods – use period tracker apps. It works perfectly for me, i pretty much always get my period on the day that is marked in the little calendar in the app. And if i some day feel extra sad, extra anxious or suicidal i always check the app to see if it’s the hormones fucking with me again, and then i know that i just have to hang in there for a few more days and then i’ll feel a little better. You can also get reminders and notifications on some apps that’ll tell you if you’re about to have pms, ovulation or if your period is about to start. It might take a few months for the app to get to ”know” your cycle, but once it does that it’s reeeally accurate, well, not for everyone of course, everyone is different and all bodies aren’t the same but it’s worth a try. The app i use is called p-tracker. You can also keep track of your mood and if you have period cramps, if you have headaches or back pains, you can put it all in there and see what symptoms you usually have around your period, it’s great, give it a try!

I was talking about my eyes and now i’m here preaching about pms… i can’t focus lol.

Anyway, my eyes suck. Some things are super blurry for me and i stare at screens all the time and i read a lot, and i also paint every single night and it’s hard to create good art when your eyes aren’t working correctly. So yeah, we need to fix that as soon as possible. I’m already looking at some cool glasses that i might buy, we are very poor in this family though and i’m a little scared that we won’t afford it. And i’ve been feeling really ashamed lately because my medicines are so damn expensive, my mom was going to get the prescription for melatonie for me a few days ago and it cost 600 crowns!! Thats like 63 dollars, for melatonin, it would be cheaper if i just ordered it illegaly online… don’t worry, i’m not doing that, i don’t even know if it is still illegal here? 63 dollars probably doesn’t sound like a lot to most of you but for being scandinavia that is hella expensive for some sleeping pills. But we asked the doctor to change the prescription so i could get the same brand that i had a few years ago, which is still expensive but not as expensive as 63 dollars. My mom said that i don’t have to worry and that she’ll always make sure that i get the medicines that i need but i still feel a little bad, i wish that i could just get my shit together so i wouldn’t need all these medicines, but i guess that it’s worth the money because i would probably be dead now if i didn’t have all those medicines.

By the way, i h a t e when people try to make it sound like antidepressants are the acutal devil and that you only need to eat these natural plaaants to cure your depression and that big pharma is making you think that you need antidepressants for the rest of your life so that they can make more money.

Seriously, no, just no, shut up, fuck off. Medicines save people every single second, it stops some of us from jumping in front of a train, we need them to survive and if you think that exercising, eating some random vitamins and drinking water is going to cure peoples bipolar disorder or schizophrenia or depression you’ve probably never experienced the actual horror of living with those illnesses.

We need to talk more about this some time, i’m a little tired now. I’m gonna watch some youtube videos now, i’ve been watching Kendall Rae a lot lately, i like her series about missing persons cases, it’s so faschinating how people can just disappear and never be found again, it’s really scary too of course. I really need to buy a self defence spray or something, since i usually take walks in the middle of the night, i do live on the countryside and nothing ever happens here but you never know. People definitely need to be more careful, especailly women (unfortunately, i wish it didn’t have to be this way).

Do you guys have any thoughts about medicines? are they good? are they bad? is the big pharma conspiracy theory true or is it all bullshit? I’d love to hear your thoughts.



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Afraid i’ll fail and lose this fight

The past two weeks has been confusing.

I’ve been leaving the house 3-4 times i think. I take walks in the middle of the night, take pictures of the sunrise. And two days ago my mom and i took a walk in the forest and after that we went to the store in the ”village” next to ours. I didn’t leave the car but, it’s something i guess.

One thing is bothering me, and i’m not sure if i should even talk about it because it’s going to make me sound so petty and like i’m a bad friend and that i don’t want the best for them. I just tend to put my own happiness first and… i don’t know, i shouldn’t talk about this. I don’t want them to know because that would be so embarrasing for me, i don’t want them to understand that this thing is bothering me.

I just feel very lonely, and i want to keep the people that i love close to me forever. Maybe i’m overprotective, maybe i should learn to let them go.

I slept for 15 hours today, not 15 hours straight, i woke up many times after having bizarre nightmares. But yeah, 15 hours is not good at all. My mom and i decided that we’re going to buy a fitness tracker for me, not that i work out or anything, but there is a sleep tracker function in most of them, so i can see how many hours i sleep, how many times i wake up, how much REM-sleep i get and all that stuff, and also so we can see how different medicines are affecting me and my sleeping habits.

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Show me the stars

It feels okay, most of the time now. This week has been strange, i’ve been doing very good and sometimes i’ve had anxiety that made me feel like i was going to die, but the anxiety always disappeared after a while.

And i have left the house two times this week, after being completely isolated for 2-3 months. I’ve been taking short walks in the middle of the night when the sun goes up. We have sheep across the street and they follow me when i’m walking, it’s very nice and they’re super adorable.

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Why why why

I’m sad today.

And ashamed. I’m still so fucking isolated, it’s been months since the last time i left the house.

I don’t even know what to say, i was doing okay for a few days and now everything is terrible again and i want to hurt myself.

Why does this always happen to me?

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The light

I haven’t been writing that much this week

And the reason is

…i’m afraid to even say it…

I’m doing pretty good actually.

Things got sooo bad when my doctor gave me a higher dose of my antidepressants, and i had really bad anxiety every morning (the hours before i fell asleep)

But i managed to survive that bad episode and now i feel a lot better.

I started talking to an old friend again a few days ago, we talked a lot last summer but then we kind of started to drift apart and we didn’t talk for like 8 months, and he lives in montana so i can obviously not meet him in real life because i live in europe. But he’s been so nice and supportive and i’m so happy that we started talking to each other again (if you’re reading this Andrew, you’re the best)

I’ve been painting so much lately, i’m not very good but it’s a lot of fun and it helps me to focus on something else than my anxiety and depression. I made a painting a few days ago that i’m really happy with and it might be the best thing i’ve ever made.

I’m waiting for the doctor to call my mom, i really want to try melatonin again so i can fix my sleeping schedule. But it’s taking a lot of time since i can’t see a doctor in person right now, my social anxiety is too intense for that. And here in scandinavia you can’t just buy melatonin at any store, you need to get it prescribed, sooo yeah.

We’ll see what happens 🙂