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Away

I’m anxious again.

The thing is, i feel okay when i wake up.

But then i stay awake all night and as the morning is getting closer and closer the anxiety starts vibrating through my body, louder and louder.

And i get tired, and the anxiety gets worse. It’s a vicious cycle.

I think about time a lot.

The last time i met a doctor (more than 6 months ago)

The last time i left the house (two months ago)

The last time i was actually happy (i don’t even remember)

The last time i cut myself (2 days ago)

The last time i thought about suicide (3 minutes ago)

Time wasted, time waiting, time staring into a wall, time doing nothing, time dreaming, time listening to music, time crying, time searching for answers, time panicking. Time time time.

It’s tiring, being insane.

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Snow

Last night i heard a strange sound.

It was snowing, huge snowflakes. And it’s may, i’ve never experienced snow in may, and i live in northern europe. It was weird.

I woke up today and i almost thought that it was a dream, but i had taken pictures of it and it was real, it snowed, in may, i’m kinda shocked.

I planted spring flowers, tomatoes, parsley and dill a few days ago. It was nice, but i felt very lonely, well i feel lonely most of the time. But i was sitting in the kitchen, listening to soft music with the windows open, i heard the rain. And the only thing i could think of is how nice it would have been to have someone there with me. I ended up putting seeds in 8 pots, now they’re standing on the windowsill, ready to grow.

I want to write more but i don’t have much to say.

I sleep all day and the nights are lonely. I miss being a part of something. Now i’m just, existing, but i don’t feel alive anymore.

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I don’t know if it’s a bad day or a bad life

I’m very tired, very lonely.

I sleep all day, but i wake up all the time feeling anxious as fuck. And it’s like it doesn’t matter how much i sleep because i always wake up exhausted.

And i’m depressed, nothing matters, i’m jealous of other people and their lives. I feel stuck and disconnected from reality, everyone else is moving forward, growing up and doing amazing things. I’m just sitting here, wishing i was someone else, somewhere else. And i’m afraid that this is all i’m going to get. Whenever people tell me about the good things that are happening in their lives, i get sad. Because i’ll never have what they have.

I’m fucking miserable. Everything is so foggy, it’s like i’m watching everything from the outside.

It’s saint walpurgis eve where i live, people are out there partying with their friends, having fun, living their lives to the fullest. I hear music and fireworks and laughter. I’m sitting on my bed, crying, i want to hurt myself because this fucking anxiety is torture and i don’t know what to do. I’m home alone, it feels like no one cares, i’m losing the only friends i had left.

What’s the point? Why should i even keep fighting? Because it might get better some day?

What if it doesn’t and i’m just here wasting my time?

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Can you say that you always will be there when i’m out of control?

The last few days has been… okay, i think.

I cut myself two days ago during a panic attack. I know, it’s stupid. I shouldn’t do it. But i did, and there’s nothing i can do about it now. I’ll just have to let myself heal and move on and try to make sure it doesn’t happen again. But i know it will, mistakes is a part of the recovery.

The good thing is that it doesn’t happen as often as it used to.

My mom came up with a ”plan” or whatever you want to call it, to break my isolation a little bit. We/she is going to clean the porch and remove all the stuff that we store there during the winter months so i can hang out there, maybe cook some dinners out there (as long as there’s no fire ban like last year), and there are power outlets on the porch so i can sit there with my computer and write or hang up some lamps and read and just do stuff outside of the house, or well, i guess it’s not really outside of the house. But it’s a good start. I need to get used to the idea of being in other places than my room and the kitchen and the bathroom.

And then i can take bigger steps, there’s many forests where i live so i can take walks there, that way i can leave the house without being forced to meet people. I have some other ideas too but i’ll save that for later. I don’t want to plan too much and make myself feel overwhelmed. Baby steps.

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Battles

It feels ok now.

I’m still anxious, i’m still scared because i’m still isolated and i’m afraid that i’ll never be able to break it. The world outside is too scary.

My mom gave me a bag full of new art supplies yesterday so i’ve been painting all night.

I don’t have that much to say. I take medicines, i do what i can. I try to move on. I survived this ”episode” without cutting, i guess that’s good.

I never really care about the progress that i am making, i only care about all the things that i should do but i’m too depressed and too exhausted to do right now.

I don’t know if i should push myself harder, if i should leave the house even if it means that i’ll have panic attacks. I really don’t know at this point. A few days ago when things were so bad that i was ready to end my life my mom said that we should go to the ER and see a doctor. But i refused because i knew that they would put me in a psychiatric ward again.

It’s always the same thing. I go to the ER, a doctor or a nurse asks me if i have any wounds that needs to be checked, they ask me what i do on a normal day. I tell them that i usually stare into a wall and wait for the day to end and the thing that 3 different doctors/nurses has said is that they think that i have autism or asperger syndrome. But i don’t know for sure because i can’t go through any tests right now, so maybe i’m autistic, but i can’t call myself autistic because i don’t have it on paper yet. My mom says that she thinks that i have autistic tendencies. I think she’s right.

I don’t even know what i want to say with this. I don’t want to spend a few nights at a psychatric ward and then go home when i’m not extremely suicidal anymore and then still not know what the hell is wrong with me.

Idk, i’m fucking tired okay. It’s late, or early. Whatever, i need to sleep.

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Save me from myself

Mom called me at 7pm and asked me if i was awake, and i realised that i had been awake for 40 minutes but i couldn’t move, i just stared at the ceiling.

I woke up anxious. I had nightmares about my teeth falling out, i know that that can mean a lot of things but i’m too tired to look it up.

Honestly, everything just feels so hopeless and pointless right now. I want to wake up and feel motivated to leave the house and actually do something, but every day i wake up and everything is the same. I’m waiting for a miracle.

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I’m falling apart

I was standing in the livingroom with tears streaming down my face for an hour yesterday.

My mom said that she’s tired of seeing me like this, that i deserve real help, that she feels sorry for me because nothing is my fault.

She talked to a nurse and they said that i could come to the hospital any day. any time, because they really want to meet me and help me.

I’m just so tired, i have no motivation, i’ve already said that many times but it’s honestly ruining my life. I want to be happy but i don’t have the energy to change, i want to feel nothing.

I took olanzapine and prometazin yesterday, after crying and panicking for so long, and i slept for 15 hours. Maybe longer, i don’t even remember.

I think about suicide. A lot. I can’t change. They tell me that i’m at the bottom now and it can only get better from here, and i don’t know if i believe them because it feels like i’ve been at the bottom for 5 years and nothing is getting better. Things are getting worse every second.

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Thought I could take it But I am unable It is too much to handle It isn’t over until its over

I woke up with anxiety after sleeping the whole day. And i had tons of nightmares so, yay.

I’m waiting for answers and i think that’s why i feel… stuck? I don’t know. I can’t. I just can’t right now.

I have these catastrophe-feelings in my body all the time, i never feel calm, i always worry about something and if i for some reason don’t have anything to worry about – i start worrying about my past traumas and how it has affected my life instead. Maybe i’m broken beyond repair.

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The first summer day?

It is getting warmer.

I stay awake all night because it’s kinda cold, but then it’s hard for me to sleep in the middle of the day because it’s so warm. I’m really sensitive to heat, whenever it gets warmer it feels like i’m a prisoner in my own body, like i can’t escape it, just like i can’t escape from the anxiety.

My mom took out my fan today and cleaned it, it was very dusty after being in a closet all winter. I know that a fan won’t help when it gets really warm, i really need to buy a real AC, too bad i’m poor.

I’ve been hating myself lately. Mostly because of the fact that i have no motivation to change, i should leave the house, just for 10 minutes or 5 minutes or even one minute, but i can’t, i refuse. Nothing scares me more than this, i’m afraid that this is how i’ll always feel, that i’ll always choose the safety of my own room over the world that is outside of these walls.

I need to shower, and i should probably change the sheets in my bed, and my floor is so dirty, i should probably do something about that. But i’m not doing it. I’m just sitting here, staring at nothing, waiting… i don’t even know what i’m waiting for.

It’s not like i’m going to wake up one day and not be mentally ill anymore, i’m not going to change and become a good and decent person overnight. This is what i am, i’m totally useless. I’m disgusting and depressed and it would be better for everyone if i died.

But i’m not going to kill myself because i don’t have any energy left to do that.

I remember that i felt okay a few weeks ago, i told you that i thought that the medicine was working, but now everything is dark again and the only reason i remember that i felt okay is because i told you about it in a blog post, if i had not written it down i wouldn’t have remembered it. Like, i try to think about it, i try to remember how it felt to not be in complete darkness but i really can’t. It’s weird, it’s frustrating as fuck.

It’s not going to be like this forever

it’s not going to be like this forever

it’s not going to be like this forever!!!

!!!Update!!!

I took a few pills to calm me down and then i removed the dirty sheets from my bed, showered, and then i changed to clean sheets. Now i’m eating salty pretzels and drinking chocolate oat milk.

I know that this probably sounds so pathetic to some people. Most people shower and clean every single day, but when you’re depressed it really is a challenge, i had to use all my energy to do these simple tasks and now i’m so tired that i could pass out. Whatever, it doesn’t matter, i did it and i’m fucking proud.

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Can you keep a secret?

I feel lonelier than ever.

The blades are screaming my name, i’m too tired to fight it. The medicines are not working. I’m panicking because i’m not making any progress.

I see people hanging out with their friends and i think ”i’m never going to have something like that again… i’m never going to have a group of friends, or a partner, or a real family”

I don’t even know if it’s true, if i’m going to be this lonely forever, but it feels real.

I don’t know why i’m still alive.

I should probably turn off the sad music, turn off my laptop and my phone and fall asleep and forget everything that happened tonight.

And try again tomorrow.

I mean, try to make things better, nothing else.