I’m so tired.
I used to write here every day when i was 19. I don’t know what happened but suddenly i’m 22. I thought i’d be dead by now.
I got the overwhelming urge to write today. I’ve had a terrible week, i’m dehydrated from crying and i cut myself yesterday, clean for 2 years, now it’s all ruined because i had a weak moment where i thought my life was for sure over.
And my spelling and grammar is going to suck because i haven’t written in english in ages and it’s not my irst language. Apologies in advance.
I don’t want to continue like this.
I got an autism diagnosis a few months ago and i’m SO angry. I’ve lived my whole life with a disability and i’ve never recieved the right help and support. Women tend to be diagnosed later in life and it’s so unfair, everthing could’ve been different if i knew earlier. I don’t understand the world around me, i never did, and this explains it all. I’m autistic!!
My body was filled with a mix of rage and sadness when i found out. I’ve been mistreated my whole life, i always felt weak, i just had to try harder according to my teachers. ”We know you can do it”, i can do it, i most definitely can, but i never had the right tools. The whole class laughed at me when i didn’t speak loud enough, when i looked at the floor with tears burning in my eyes, refusing to look at anyone because other peoples eyes felt like dark holes that i would fall into if i looked at them.
I feel like a child. I have ptsd, it haunts me every day, the autism just amplifies it.
And now my mom wants me to move. I’m chocked, i’m just a child???
No i’m not, i’m 22 and i should be doing better than this. I’m not a child, only in my head, i’m a grown up now but the thought of cleaning an apartment regularly, buying a couch, getting to know new neighbours, getting the mail, calling the landlord when something breaks and cooking meals for one scares the living shit out of me. I don’t want to do it.
But i have to. I don’t have a choice at this point, i should be taking care of myself. No one is listening. I’m disabled, you’re asking me to climb a tree with my hands tied together behind my back.
No one taught me how to be an adult
how??