Publicerad den av luziddreamer

Maybe life isn’t meant to be for someone like me

I’m so tired.

I used to write here every day when i was 19. I don’t know what happened but suddenly i’m 22. I thought i’d be dead by now.

I got the overwhelming urge to write today. I’ve had a terrible week, i’m dehydrated from crying and i cut myself yesterday, clean for 2 years, now it’s all ruined because i had a weak moment where i thought my life was for sure over.

And my spelling and grammar is going to suck because i haven’t written in english in ages and it’s not my irst language. Apologies in advance.

I don’t want to continue like this.

I got an autism diagnosis a few months ago and i’m SO angry. I’ve lived my whole life with a disability and i’ve never recieved the right help and support. Women tend to be diagnosed later in life and it’s so unfair, everthing could’ve been different if i knew earlier. I don’t understand the world around me, i never did, and this explains it all. I’m autistic!!

My body was filled with a mix of rage and sadness when i found out. I’ve been mistreated my whole life, i always felt weak, i just had to try harder according to my teachers. ”We know you can do it”, i can do it, i most definitely can, but i never had the right tools. The whole class laughed at me when i didn’t speak loud enough, when i looked at the floor with tears burning in my eyes, refusing to look at anyone because other peoples eyes felt like dark holes that i would fall into if i looked at them.

I feel like a child. I have ptsd, it haunts me every day, the autism just amplifies it.

And now my mom wants me to move. I’m chocked, i’m just a child???

No i’m not, i’m 22 and i should be doing better than this. I’m not a child, only in my head, i’m a grown up now but the thought of cleaning an apartment regularly, buying a couch, getting to know new neighbours, getting the mail, calling the landlord when something breaks and cooking meals for one scares the living shit out of me. I don’t want to do it.

But i have to. I don’t have a choice at this point, i should be taking care of myself. No one is listening. I’m disabled, you’re asking me to climb a tree with my hands tied together behind my back.

No one taught me how to be an adult

how??

Publicerad den av luziddreamer

I’m not dead

Hello.

So… long time no see.

I don’t know why i always abandon my blogs and lying in here in my bed writing this i realize that i don’t really know how to write anymore. Like i opened wordpress thinking that i was going to write 20 pages about what’s been going on in my life since i left the blog but i feel so stuck..

I’m gonna have to wait a few days and then start writing again, writing always helped me and i need to start again. I’ll see you soon, just gotta restart my brain.

Publicerad den av luziddreamer

08-12-2019

I guess the problem is that i’m too scared of what it’s going to do to me.

I don’t want to talk about it, the trauma, my childhood. I’m afraid that it’s going to destroy me completely, that i’ll be forced to relive everything that happened.

I’m angry and disappointed. This year has not been a good one, and i don’t know what i was expecting, did i really think that all that ”new year, new me” bullshit was real? I’m stuck, i’m still here in my room doing absolutely nothing. I’m lonely, i’m terrified of the future and the fact that i’m getting older and older but i’m still nowhere near recovery.

I don’t know what to do at this point.

I know that i made some progress this year… if i really think about it and compare it to who i was last year, i have made some progress, but it’s not enough. Not even close.

But i’ve left the house a few times this year, last year i only left the house 2 times. I started taking antidepressants again, i’ve been watching my mom’s friends dogs a few times a month, i went shopping with my mom for the first time in 5 years – i was in two stores!! for 40 minutes, that’s kind of a big deal now that i think about it… i’ve gotten better at painting and drawing and i’m satisifed with the art that i’m creating, earlier i hated everything that i created and i wouldn’t let anyone see it, now my paintings are hanging in every single room of our house and even a few in my grandmas house.

I’m confused.

There’s been a handful of good things, buy mostly awful things, lonely nights, anxiety, panic attacks, razor blades and bleeding arms, nightmares, suicide plans, tears.

I don’t even know what i’m writing, it’s 02:00 right now and i’ve taken a sleeping pill, i can’t seem to think straight.

All i can say is that i hope that next year is going to be better, and i hope that i can move on and let go of my toxic habits and try to recover from all of this.

But i have no expectations anymore, i’m not going to promise myself or anyone else anything, because i don’t know. I don’t know. Anything can happen.

I’m not going backwards, i’m moving towards the future, i can’t keep living in the past and drown in ptsd, i have to try to move on somehow. The past can’t be changed, but i can change the future by trying harder, accepting help and let it take time. I want to get there, but most nights i doubt myself and if life is even worth living because i can’t remember what it’s like to be truly happy. I’ve lost so much. And i’m tired.

I won’t give you any promises. But will try to turn things around. My mom calls me a fighter, a survivor, maybe she’s right.

Publicerad den av luziddreamer

Hi again

I’m not sure why i haven’t updated in almost 3 months.

Things are not good rn, but i guess they never are?

I don’t know what to say, i’m very tired, lonely and depressed.

Publicerad den av luziddreamer

I’ve got a thing for self destruction

This week has been awful in many ways.

I see my own reflection and i see a monster. I’ve covered allt he mirrors in the house.

I have no confidence left. I hate myself. My face… the way it moves when i’m talking, how i can’t show my teeth when i’m smiling or talking and it makes me look like the ugliest person in the whole world.

I don’t want to leave the house, don’t want anyone to see me.

I sit in my room, i paint and i think about what a terrible person i am, on the inside and on the outside. I don’t want to be me anymore.

Publicerad den av luziddreamer

Forgiveness is healing?

I’ve noticed that i’m starting to let go of my past. i mean, it’s always going to be there, the trauma is never going to leave me and i will never forget everything that happened to me.

But the past is the past, i don’t have a time machine so i can’t change it, but it doesn’t matter because i’m not going in that direction, i’m moving forward, to my future and hopefully to a life that is better and worth living.

I want to forgive. My parents, myself, everyone who asked me for forgiveness when they realized that they hurt me in some way.

I think that wounds in your souls are kind of like wounds on your body. I’m not ready to fully let go of my past, the wounds in my soul are still open and they hurt sometimes, but i’m putting band aids on the wounds. And when i’m ready i’m going to start stitching them up, let it take time to heal, and hopefully i’ll smile when i see that the scars are changing colors, from red, to pink, to white. Until i only can see them when the sun is shining on me or i’m standing under a bright light, and it’ll remind me not of the pain that i went through but the fact that i survived all the things that i thought was going to kill me.

I think that forgiveness can heal you, if they deserve it – try to forgive them. If they don’t deserve it – try to forget them.

And continue, never stop. Slow progress is still progress and while i’m hurting and still experiencing things that are extremely frightening, i’m also learning new things, about myself, about other people, about the world. And that you can survive even when everything is pitch black.

Publicerad den av luziddreamer

Hello, i’m still alive

I can’t write. I don’t know what to say, i completely forgot that i have this blog.

I’m doing okay, i think. I’m really trying to make progress but it’s hard, really really hard.

I’m trying to accept a few things, like the fact that i’ll never be perfect or have that perfect life. I’m trying to appreaciate the things that i have instead of being sad over the things that i don’t have.

I’m on a kind of spiritual journey i guess. I’m letting myself explore the unknown, i don’t think that i see myself as an atheist anymore, maybe agnostic but… i just want it to be more than this. It seems pointless otherwise.

I don’t know what to say, my head is a mess and my vision is blurry.

Publicerad den av luziddreamer

Lovely

I’m tired, very tired.

I’m on a higher dose of antidepressants now and i can definitely feel it, and not in a good way. It’s always like this, i feel worse for a few weeks, sometimes a few months – and then it gets better. I know it does, but it right now it feels like i’m never going to see the light again.

I’m not really suicidal, i’m not self harming anymore, i think about death and i think about suicide every day of course but i’ve been doing that since i was 11, i’m not planning anything because i’m too tired for that, isn’t it ironic?

I’m painting all the time, i’m reading about spiritual journeys and it’s pretty interesting. That’s pretty much it. It doesn’t get more interesting than this.

Publicerad den av luziddreamer

Am i not enough?

About a week ago i stayed up all night and painted the walls in my room, i put up the fake brick wall, i put up pictures of me, my brother and my grandma, some paintings that i made when i was younger, vinyl records, old cameras, fairy lights and a bunch of other things. My room isn’t completely dark and depressing anymore and i like it very much.

I also like that this summer hasn’t been horrible and extremely warm like it was in 2018.

I don’t really know what’s going on with me right now. I’m very tired and i have some crazy anxiety most of the time.

I ordered two new dresses, a skirt, a hat and a swimsuit a few weeks ago and they arrived two days ago. I was extremely anxious that day but i took olanzapine and prayed that the anxiety would go away. It didn’t, not 100% at least, but it was enough and i left the house. I put on my new dress and my hat and my mom and i went to the store and bought ice cream and after that we drove until we found a lake. It was nice, the water wasn’t too cold, i didn’t swim or anything but it was nice to spend some time by the water. I saw some cows standing on the other side of the lake, a cute and very tiny bumblebee sat on my shoe.

After that we went home, i had some pasta and i fell asleep. I hate sleep right now, i have nightmares all the time and i always remember my dreams, it’s horrible.

I actually have more to say but i’m too tired and sad right now.

Publicerad den av luziddreamer

I can’t escape from the past

I had the flu last week so i didn’t leave the house at all.

It feels like i’m starting to become isolated again and everytime this happens it’s like i have to start over and go through all the phases of fear, anxiety and feeling disappointed and angry with myself because i let this happen again.

I was crying in the kitchen yesterday and i told my mom that i’m having the nightmares again. The flashback-nightmares. They are terrible and so scary and i’m so so so tired when i wake up because i have to re-live the past and experience traumatic events all over again. I hate it.

It seems to be impossible to find sleeping pills that doesn’t have awful side-effects.

Even if i’m super tired and exhausted right now i decided to change my room a little bit. Or let’s be real – a lot. My mom gave me huuge paper for me to paint on but i didn’t know what i wanted to do with it. One of my favorite youtubers is Claire Wineland (rest in peace) and in one of her videos she did a hospital room makeover and it was soo inspiring to see that. In the video she made a really cool fake brick wall with paper and water colors and i happened to have this really big paper that my mom gave me and water colors that i haven’t used because i prefer to paint with aquarelle, so i spent the last two days painting a brick wall and it turned out really good. I didn’t have enough paper to cover the whole wall so i’m going to paint the rest of the wall white tomorrow. I painted my whole room black when i was 15 or something like that and i was so depressed (well i still am) and i wanted everything to be black and depressing. I’m a little tired of my black walls now so it feels good to change them a little bit.

So when i woke up at two am today i put up the brick wall and then i threw away a bunch of shit that is just collecting dust in my room. To be honest, i never really clean the floors in my room or remove any of the dust so my room was pretty nasty, i even had dust on the walls, i don’t even know how that’s possible… But it’s gone now, i vacuum cleaned eeeverything and mopped the floor. I need to fix like a proper schedule for cleaning so i don’t let it go too long until the next time i decide to clean my room. I also have asthma so that makes it even more important.