I recieved some good news a few days ago. But i’m anxious now.
I don’t know why and maybe that’s okay, maybe i just need to wait and see what happens. There’s not much i can do now anyway, i take my medicines and i try to stay away from the blades. I want to write more but i really can’t, i’m tired all the time even if i sleep all day.
I appreciate you all so much.
My main goal in life is to survive, to change my life and try to recover from this illness. But i do have some huge dreams too, i want to work with music because music is one of the things that kept me alive for all these years. I think most people have a dream that they don’t talk about, maybe becaue you think that you’ll never be able to reach your goals, or maybe you think that you’re too old, not talented enough, not brave enough.
I love to write, i love to paint, i love to play guitar and i love to write songs about my illness. I hope that i’ll be able to share all of this with the world some day.
But for now, this blog is my main focus, not many people read this blog, but to those of you who read everything that i have to say, those of you who takes the time to like and comment on my posts – i honestly love you all. I love to hear the notifications on my phone in the middle of the night and seeing that someone liked my post, i love to look at my blog statistics and see which country you’re from.
I’ve spent a big part of my life being kind of stuck in my own head, i’ve had ideas and i’ve ”written” things in my mind but i was never brave enough to start writing in english, i am swedish, i’ve never been outside of the nordic countries, and i’m doing my best to improve my english skills and writing this blog and talking to people all over the world is really helping. I always assumed that no one wanted to listen to what i have to say, so i spent most of my time suffering in silence. I love that i can write whatever i want here and no one is judging me, i haven’t recieved a single mean comment yet. It doesn’t matter if only a handful of people wants to read this, it’s enough to know that someone is actually reading my posts. I appreciate you all so much. Thank you.
I left the house again today, or i guess it was yesterday because it’s the middle of the night here now.
My mom and i drove to the limestone quarry, it was beautiful, we watched the sunrise and i took many pictures and there was a lot of art there, it was waaay bigger than i remembered it.
After that we went home and i ate soy yoghurt and drank a bunch of water because i was feeling nauseous. I think it was because of my fear of heights, when we drove up the hill to the limestone quarry i started to feel a little panicked. And i always have to remind myself that i’m okay, i’m not dying today either.
But i couldn’t stop myself from looking down, and i thought: would i die immediately if i jumped? I hate that i always have these thoughts, i wasn’t even that sad and i didn’t exactly feel suicidal that morning, but i still thought about killing myself, while my mom was standing beside me. It’s terrible.
It’s like i’ve been thinking so much about suicide these 8 years that it’s become so normal to me, i see all dangerous things as a potential suicide method.
Oh well, we’ll have to work on that i guess.
The good thing is that i’ve been leaving the house more times these 3 months than i did the entire last year.
My mom and i decided that i need to get glasses. I did see an eye specialist many years ago and she said that i have astigmatism and that’s one of the reasons that i had headaches all the time when i was still in school. I ended up not getting any glasses after that because everything in my life fell apart shortly after that and i couldn’t focus on anything, i was too ill and i didn’t plan to be alive much longer anyway, so getting glasses seemed completely unnecessary.
So it’s definitely about time that i see a specialist again, i was a child back then and i’m an adult now and i can tell that my eyes has changed, i don’t get headaches that often anymore. Back then i would have headaches every single day and i’d get migraine occasionally, most of it completely disappeared when i went vegan 4 years ago. And i know that the veganism was the ”cure” for me because when i accidentally eat milk or egg, i instantly get headaches. It’s crazy, but it’s okay, i don’t plan to ever eat animals or their body fluids ever again, haha. But i still get migraines sometimes, usually when i have pms, and i get really bad pms, since i already am depressed i tend to gointo complete depressed-i-want-to-die-right-now-or-maybe-slit-my-wrists-a-little-bit-mode when the pms arrives. A tip to all depressed people who have periods – use period tracker apps. It works perfectly for me, i pretty much always get my period on the day that is marked in the little calendar in the app. And if i some day feel extra sad, extra anxious or suicidal i always check the app to see if it’s the hormones fucking with me again, and then i know that i just have to hang in there for a few more days and then i’ll feel a little better. You can also get reminders and notifications on some apps that’ll tell you if you’re about to have pms, ovulation or if your period is about to start. It might take a few months for the app to get to ”know” your cycle, but once it does that it’s reeeally accurate, well, not for everyone of course, everyone is different and all bodies aren’t the same but it’s worth a try. The app i use is called p-tracker. You can also keep track of your mood and if you have period cramps, if you have headaches or back pains, you can put it all in there and see what symptoms you usually have around your period, it’s great, give it a try!
I was talking about my eyes and now i’m here preaching about pms… i can’t focus lol.
Anyway, my eyes suck. Some things are super blurry for me and i stare at screens all the time and i read a lot, and i also paint every single night and it’s hard to create good art when your eyes aren’t working correctly. So yeah, we need to fix that as soon as possible. I’m already looking at some cool glasses that i might buy, we are very poor in this family though and i’m a little scared that we won’t afford it. And i’ve been feeling really ashamed lately because my medicines are so damn expensive, my mom was going to get the prescription for melatonie for me a few days ago and it cost 600 crowns!! Thats like 63 dollars, for melatonin, it would be cheaper if i just ordered it illegaly online… don’t worry, i’m not doing that, i don’t even know if it is still illegal here? 63 dollars probably doesn’t sound like a lot to most of you but for being scandinavia that is hella expensive for some sleeping pills. But we asked the doctor to change the prescription so i could get the same brand that i had a few years ago, which is still expensive but not as expensive as 63 dollars. My mom said that i don’t have to worry and that she’ll always make sure that i get the medicines that i need but i still feel a little bad, i wish that i could just get my shit together so i wouldn’t need all these medicines, but i guess that it’s worth the money because i would probably be dead now if i didn’t have all those medicines.
By the way, i h a t e when people try to make it sound like antidepressants are the acutal devil and that you only need to eat these natural plaaants to cure your depression and that big pharma is making you think that you need antidepressants for the rest of your life so that they can make more money.
Seriously, no, just no, shut up, fuck off. Medicines save people every single second, it stops some of us from jumping in front of a train, we need them to survive and if you think that exercising, eating some random vitamins and drinking water is going to cure peoples bipolar disorder or schizophrenia or depression you’ve probably never experienced the actual horror of living with those illnesses.
We need to talk more about this some time, i’m a little tired now. I’m gonna watch some youtube videos now, i’ve been watching Kendall Rae a lot lately, i like her series about missing persons cases, it’s so faschinating how people can just disappear and never be found again, it’s really scary too of course. I really need to buy a self defence spray or something, since i usually take walks in the middle of the night, i do live on the countryside and nothing ever happens here but you never know. People definitely need to be more careful, especailly women (unfortunately, i wish it didn’t have to be this way).
Do you guys have any thoughts about medicines? are they good? are they bad? is the big pharma conspiracy theory true or is it all bullshit? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
The past two weeks has been confusing.
I’ve been leaving the house 3-4 times i think. I take walks in the middle of the night, take pictures of the sunrise. And two days ago my mom and i took a walk in the forest and after that we went to the store in the ”village” next to ours. I didn’t leave the car but, it’s something i guess.
One thing is bothering me, and i’m not sure if i should even talk about it because it’s going to make me sound so petty and like i’m a bad friend and that i don’t want the best for them. I just tend to put my own happiness first and… i don’t know, i shouldn’t talk about this. I don’t want them to know because that would be so embarrasing for me, i don’t want them to understand that this thing is bothering me.
I just feel very lonely, and i want to keep the people that i love close to me forever. Maybe i’m overprotective, maybe i should learn to let them go.
I slept for 15 hours today, not 15 hours straight, i woke up many times after having bizarre nightmares. But yeah, 15 hours is not good at all. My mom and i decided that we’re going to buy a fitness tracker for me, not that i work out or anything, but there is a sleep tracker function in most of them, so i can see how many hours i sleep, how many times i wake up, how much REM-sleep i get and all that stuff, and also so we can see how different medicines are affecting me and my sleeping habits.
It feels okay, most of the time now. This week has been strange, i’ve been doing very good and sometimes i’ve had anxiety that made me feel like i was going to die, but the anxiety always disappeared after a while.
And i have left the house two times this week, after being completely isolated for 2-3 months. I’ve been taking short walks in the middle of the night when the sun goes up. We have sheep across the street and they follow me when i’m walking, it’s very nice and they’re super adorable.
I’m sad today.
And ashamed. I’m still so fucking isolated, it’s been months since the last time i left the house.
I don’t even know what to say, i was doing okay for a few days and now everything is terrible again and i want to hurt myself.
Why does this always happen to me?
I haven’t been writing that much this week
And the reason is
…i’m afraid to even say it…
I’m doing pretty good actually.
Things got sooo bad when my doctor gave me a higher dose of my antidepressants, and i had really bad anxiety every morning (the hours before i fell asleep)
But i managed to survive that bad episode and now i feel a lot better.
I started talking to an old friend again a few days ago, we talked a lot last summer but then we kind of started to drift apart and we didn’t talk for like 8 months, and he lives in montana so i can obviously not meet him in real life because i live in europe. But he’s been so nice and supportive and i’m so happy that we started talking to each other again (if you’re reading this Andrew, you’re the best)
I’ve been painting so much lately, i’m not very good but it’s a lot of fun and it helps me to focus on something else than my anxiety and depression. I made a painting a few days ago that i’m really happy with and it might be the best thing i’ve ever made.
I’m waiting for the doctor to call my mom, i really want to try melatonin again so i can fix my sleeping schedule. But it’s taking a lot of time since i can’t see a doctor in person right now, my social anxiety is too intense for that. And here in scandinavia you can’t just buy melatonin at any store, you need to get it prescribed, sooo yeah.
We’ll see what happens 🙂
It feels ok now.
I’m still anxious, i’m still scared because i’m still isolated and i’m afraid that i’ll never be able to break it. The world outside is too scary.
My mom gave me a bag full of new art supplies yesterday so i’ve been painting all night.
I don’t have that much to say. I take medicines, i do what i can. I try to move on. I survived this ”episode” without cutting, i guess that’s good.
I never really care about the progress that i am making, i only care about all the things that i should do but i’m too depressed and too exhausted to do right now.
I don’t know if i should push myself harder, if i should leave the house even if it means that i’ll have panic attacks. I really don’t know at this point. A few days ago when things were so bad that i was ready to end my life my mom said that we should go to the ER and see a doctor. But i refused because i knew that they would put me in a psychiatric ward again.
It’s always the same thing. I go to the ER, a doctor or a nurse asks me if i have any wounds that needs to be checked, they ask me what i do on a normal day. I tell them that i usually stare into a wall and wait for the day to end and the thing that 3 different doctors/nurses has said is that they think that i have autism or asperger syndrome. But i don’t know for sure because i can’t go through any tests right now, so maybe i’m autistic, but i can’t call myself autistic because i don’t have it on paper yet. My mom says that she thinks that i have autistic tendencies. I think she’s right.
I don’t even know what i want to say with this. I don’t want to spend a few nights at a psychatric ward and then go home when i’m not extremely suicidal anymore and then still not know what the hell is wrong with me.
Idk, i’m fucking tired okay. It’s late, or early. Whatever, i need to sleep.
Mom called me at 7pm and asked me if i was awake, and i realised that i had been awake for 40 minutes but i couldn’t move, i just stared at the ceiling.
I woke up anxious. I had nightmares about my teeth falling out, i know that that can mean a lot of things but i’m too tired to look it up.
Honestly, everything just feels so hopeless and pointless right now. I want to wake up and feel motivated to leave the house and actually do something, but every day i wake up and everything is the same. I’m waiting for a miracle.
I woke up with anxiety after sleeping the whole day. And i had tons of nightmares so, yay.
I’m waiting for answers and i think that’s why i feel… stuck? I don’t know. I can’t. I just can’t right now.
I have these catastrophe-feelings in my body all the time, i never feel calm, i always worry about something and if i for some reason don’t have anything to worry about – i start worrying about my past traumas and how it has affected my life instead. Maybe i’m broken beyond repair.
luziddreamer 