Publicerad den av luziddreamer

Forgiveness is healing?

I’ve noticed that i’m starting to let go of my past. i mean, it’s always going to be there, the trauma is never going to leave me and i will never forget everything that happened to me.

But the past is the past, i don’t have a time machine so i can’t change it, but it doesn’t matter because i’m not going in that direction, i’m moving forward, to my future and hopefully to a life that is better and worth living.

I want to forgive. My parents, myself, everyone who asked me for forgiveness when they realized that they hurt me in some way.

I think that wounds in your souls are kind of like wounds on your body. I’m not ready to fully let go of my past, the wounds in my soul are still open and they hurt sometimes, but i’m putting band aids on the wounds. And when i’m ready i’m going to start stitching them up, let it take time to heal, and hopefully i’ll smile when i see that the scars are changing colors, from red, to pink, to white. Until i only can see them when the sun is shining on me or i’m standing under a bright light, and it’ll remind me not of the pain that i went through but the fact that i survived all the things that i thought was going to kill me.

I think that forgiveness can heal you, if they deserve it – try to forgive them. If they don’t deserve it – try to forget them.

And continue, never stop. Slow progress is still progress and while i’m hurting and still experiencing things that are extremely frightening, i’m also learning new things, about myself, about other people, about the world. And that you can survive even when everything is pitch black.

Publicerad den av luziddreamer

June

I’m not writing anything right now because i don’t know what i feel.

My mom and i planned to visit a bunch of places this summer, enjoy the surrounding cities before i leave this place and move to southern Sweden. I was happy and excited about it for a while but now i have that pointless feeling in my chest again. Nothing matters.

I’ve had the flu this week. It was weird. My brain is already fucked up but the fever fucked it up even more. It was a confusing week.

I think i’m a little bitter. Just a little bit.

Sad and bitter and… what’s the word i’m looking for? I’m drawing a blank right now. Maybe the word i’m thinking of can’t be translated to english?

I’ll try to explain it: I’m jealous, i’m angry and i’m sad that other people are happy while i’m drowning in my own failures and endless sadness. It doesn’t make sense at all because i’m usually not like that. I want people to be happy because i know exactly what it feels like to be at the bottom of the ocean, trying to scream for help. I don’t want to people to be sad, but i don’t want to see happy people, you know? Because it’s like it’s always reminding me of everything that i don’t have, everything that i never had growing up, and everything that i’ll never have in this life.

I don’t know what more there is to say. I’m not proud of the things that i’m feeling. I wish that i could change the way that i think but it’s easier said than done when you’re so inside of your brain 24/7. But i know that i’m going to have to solve these problems some day, because i’ll die if i don’t. I’m just a brain, and a body, but mostly a brain, the body is just a shell. I don’t know if i believe in souls, maybe? Even if i have a soul i still have to make the best out of this life, maybe i’ll get another chance when i die, whether it’s reaincarnation or heaven, hell, whatever. I’m here now, and nothing else matters. I am this brain and this body, maybe there’s a soul here too, but how are you supposed to know that? Maybe this is all you get, one life, one chance, you could live for 100 years or you could die young. But we don’t know for sure, and that’s why i want to keep going. If this is all that i’m going to get i’m going to fight for how i want to live. I tend to think nihilistic thoughts often but i’m trying to change that way that i see the world, myself, what’s beyond our world. If death is what i’ve been thinking that it is for most of my life – that it’s just game over, light’s out, the definition of nothing, then nothing that we do really matters, unless we do something amazing that leaves a mark on this planet, that makes people remember you for a long long time.

One time when i was extremely tired and sad and sick of being alive i sent a message to my best friend and he said some things that really made me rethink my life.

He saved my life when i was suicidal, a few years before that i saved his life when he was suicidal. I told him that it felt like my life is pointless and that it wouldn’t make a difference if i disappeared and that i’m not leaving anything important behind.

And he said: You’re like the only reason that i’m still alive, and you’re wrong, your life is not worthless, you saved my life and after that i saved someones life, it’s like a snowball-effect of lifesaving.

And i think that he’s right, maybe the person he saved saved someone, maybe that person is studying to become a doctor now, maybe that person is going to save so many lives, and maybe the people that they save are going to save a bunch of people.

I thought that this was a beautiful way to look at it and it really keeps me going to have his support and all his love.

It could be worse, i have the best friend ever, he’s my only close friend but i’d rather have one loyal and amazing friend than 10 friends that i can’t really trust (like when i was younger)

I wasn’t going to write anything but here i am writing a super long post, haha. I’m super tired, i’ve been awake all night. It’s midsummer today, but i don’t think we’re going to celebrate or anything. I have some bad memories related to midsummer celebrations and i don’t want to think about it. Swedes tend to drink a lot of alcohol on occasions like these, and as you know if you’ve been reading my blog for a while – i hate alcohol and i’m terrified of drunk people.

Well well well.

I’ll write again soon hopefully.

Publicerad den av luziddreamer

A bad idea

I remember that i wrote something in my old diary a few years ago.

I wrote a list of things that i have to remember, things like
Don’t trust people

People don’t change

Be there for your best friend

and

Don’t try melatonin again, it’s still a bad idea.

I should’ve listened to myself. 2013-15 were very traumatic years for me, and i took melatonin a lot during the whole ”crisis” that my family was in. And now i remember why i wrote down in my diary that i shouln’t use melatonin: Because i get exploding head syndrome, sleep paralysis, awful nightmares and when i wake up i’m hallucinating. Nothing too serious, i’m not hearing voices or anything but i’m hearing random sounds. When i woke up today it sounded like someone was cracking their knuckles, which made me think ”oh my god there’s someone in my room”, which is pretty much impossible because there are like 10 rooms in our house and my room is the smallest and there’s literally nowhere to hide in here, so no one could possibly be here. But then i thought ”oh my god, it was probably a ghost!!”, so i closed my eyes, too scared to look because i’m scared of ghosts even though i don’t believe in them. I don’t believe in life after death at all because i was raised pretty atheist. I might believe in reincarnation, but not heaven or hell or any of that stuff.

Anyway, i’m not gonna take the medicine tomorrow because i’ve only slept 8 hours the past 2 days and that is not enough at all. I need to get my sleep and at this point i don’t care if i’m sleeping in the middle of the day, as long as i am sleeping at all.

And i have been doing so much progress lately, i’m leaving the house so much now. My mom and i are planning to take the ferry to a little island that’s pretty close to where we live, i don’t know which day, we’ll have to see how i’m doing. I’m not going to push myself too hard.

Yesterday i cried for the first time in a long time actually, my mom called me, she had a meeting with the bank because there’s a bunch of things that needs to be taken care of before we move and it made me really sad because i didn’t get the answers that i was expecting, instead we’ll have to wait 2 more weeks and that makes me feel so stressed out. She also told me that i have a doctors appointment, i don’t remember which day it was but i started panicking when she told me that. I am making progress but i don’t feel strong enough to meet a doctor yet. The reason they wanted me to come to the hospital is because in july i’m allowed to get money from the state, since i’m too ill to work or go to school right now. It’s like 800 dollars a month i think, 520 or something after tax, and for me that’s a lot of money because i grew up being poor as fuck, and we still are poor in my family. I felt really sad and worthless when my mom told me that, i don’t pay rent, i don’t pay for food, i don’t pay for medicines. And it made me feel so ashamed that i can’t just get my shit together and go see that doctor, i’m an adult but it feels like i’m still a child. I panic so much about getting older, i want to go back to being 14 and stay there forever.

I know that i haven’t had the same chance to grow up and be an responsible adult like most people, i grew up with addicts and in a lot of ways i had to raise myself and that is incredibly difficult. I didn’t turn out perfect, but who does? I know that not everyone grows up at the same time, it takes longer for some people, especially if you’re mentally ill. And if it’s true what the doctors keep telling me – that i’ve been living with undiagnosed autism my entire life – then it makes even more sense why i feel so lost and lonely in this big world. No one gave me the right help to handle all these feelings that i’ve had for 19 years.

I told mom about my feelings and that i feel so ashamed because i’m so useless and she said:

”I’m not asking you for rent, the money you’ll get from the state is yours, i’m not going to ask you to give it to me. I just want you to have it because you deserve to get help now, it’s your turn now. And you don’t need to worry about it, i’m never ever going to decide one day that you have to get out of here and take care of yourself. Don’t worry about medicines or money or rent. One day you’ll be able to see a doctor and if you can’t do it right now that’s okay.

Erase that thought now, don’t think about it.

There, now it’s gone”

So i’m glad that she understands and all that, but i still feel useless. Maybe it’s because i’m so tired right now. Well well.

Publicerad den av luziddreamer

The first summer day?

It is getting warmer.

I stay awake all night because it’s kinda cold, but then it’s hard for me to sleep in the middle of the day because it’s so warm. I’m really sensitive to heat, whenever it gets warmer it feels like i’m a prisoner in my own body, like i can’t escape it, just like i can’t escape from the anxiety.

My mom took out my fan today and cleaned it, it was very dusty after being in a closet all winter. I know that a fan won’t help when it gets really warm, i really need to buy a real AC, too bad i’m poor.

I’ve been hating myself lately. Mostly because of the fact that i have no motivation to change, i should leave the house, just for 10 minutes or 5 minutes or even one minute, but i can’t, i refuse. Nothing scares me more than this, i’m afraid that this is how i’ll always feel, that i’ll always choose the safety of my own room over the world that is outside of these walls.

I need to shower, and i should probably change the sheets in my bed, and my floor is so dirty, i should probably do something about that. But i’m not doing it. I’m just sitting here, staring at nothing, waiting… i don’t even know what i’m waiting for.

It’s not like i’m going to wake up one day and not be mentally ill anymore, i’m not going to change and become a good and decent person overnight. This is what i am, i’m totally useless. I’m disgusting and depressed and it would be better for everyone if i died.

But i’m not going to kill myself because i don’t have any energy left to do that.

I remember that i felt okay a few weeks ago, i told you that i thought that the medicine was working, but now everything is dark again and the only reason i remember that i felt okay is because i told you about it in a blog post, if i had not written it down i wouldn’t have remembered it. Like, i try to think about it, i try to remember how it felt to not be in complete darkness but i really can’t. It’s weird, it’s frustrating as fuck.

It’s not going to be like this forever

it’s not going to be like this forever

it’s not going to be like this forever!!!

!!!Update!!!

I took a few pills to calm me down and then i removed the dirty sheets from my bed, showered, and then i changed to clean sheets. Now i’m eating salty pretzels and drinking chocolate oat milk.

I know that this probably sounds so pathetic to some people. Most people shower and clean every single day, but when you’re depressed it really is a challenge, i had to use all my energy to do these simple tasks and now i’m so tired that i could pass out. Whatever, it doesn’t matter, i did it and i’m fucking proud.