luziddreamer

I have problems that i don’t talk about.

There are things in my life that i haven’t told anyone about, i’ve been stuck in a daydream for many years and i don’t want to admit it because that makes it feel too real for me to handle. I hate my real life so much that i’ve created other worlds in my fantasy that i escape to whenever i can. I hate myself for doing this to myself.

I put my playlist with piano music on shuffle and the first song that started playing was ”As the years go by” by Johannes Bornlöf. I love that song but it makes me so sad, not only the melody but the name too. I’ve wasted so many years, i’ve been mentally ill all my teenage years and next year i’ll turn 20. I haven’t done anything with my life, everything i wanted to do has been put on hold because reality is too painful for me to handle, it’s difficult for me to even wake up in the morning, sometimes i just lie in my bed and stare at the ceiling for hours because i’m too exhausted to move, even if i’ve been sleeping for 12 hours. I just can’t force myself to move and do the things that i’m supposed to do at this age, i should be working or studying, meeting friends and maybe even fall in love, but i can’t do all those things because i’m in a long-term relationship with depression and social anxiety. The diagnoses that i’ve had my entire life and that never left me when everyone else did. Sounds like i’m romantizising my illness, i’m not. I’m just scared because i don’t know who i am without my illness, i mean, how am i supposed to search for happiness when i don’t know what actual happiness feels like? I’m wandering in complete darkness trying to navigate myself through life with no one there to help me, and if you have never felt that way it’s so hard for me to try and explain what it’s like.

Happiness and a life worth living is something i really want, more than anything else, but it seems like my brain isn’t willing to do anything about this whole situation. It’s easier to just sit here, in my warm bed, in my cold dark room, stay under the covers, and wait for a miracle. I have a big black piece of fabric hanging over my window, so i don’t have to see the seasons change, because it makes me sad. When the snow starts falling, the leaves change color or we start seeing the sun again here in sweden, it reminds me of the fact that i’ve wasted another 1-4 months on being depressed. I don’t look at the window, and most of the time i wear headphones and dream. I always dream, but i never reach my goal. Because i’m not trying, i’m not sure if i even want to try. It’s bizarre, i know.

I’m just so stuck and i forgot how to live a normal life. Maybe my life was never normal and that’s why it’s so hard for me to turn everything around. I’m searching, or i’m trying to force myself to search for something, but i don’t know what that ”something” is yet.

You know?