Publicerad den av luziddreamer

June

I’m not writing anything right now because i don’t know what i feel.

My mom and i planned to visit a bunch of places this summer, enjoy the surrounding cities before i leave this place and move to southern Sweden. I was happy and excited about it for a while but now i have that pointless feeling in my chest again. Nothing matters.

I’ve had the flu this week. It was weird. My brain is already fucked up but the fever fucked it up even more. It was a confusing week.

I think i’m a little bitter. Just a little bit.

Sad and bitter and… what’s the word i’m looking for? I’m drawing a blank right now. Maybe the word i’m thinking of can’t be translated to english?

I’ll try to explain it: I’m jealous, i’m angry and i’m sad that other people are happy while i’m drowning in my own failures and endless sadness. It doesn’t make sense at all because i’m usually not like that. I want people to be happy because i know exactly what it feels like to be at the bottom of the ocean, trying to scream for help. I don’t want to people to be sad, but i don’t want to see happy people, you know? Because it’s like it’s always reminding me of everything that i don’t have, everything that i never had growing up, and everything that i’ll never have in this life.

I don’t know what more there is to say. I’m not proud of the things that i’m feeling. I wish that i could change the way that i think but it’s easier said than done when you’re so inside of your brain 24/7. But i know that i’m going to have to solve these problems some day, because i’ll die if i don’t. I’m just a brain, and a body, but mostly a brain, the body is just a shell. I don’t know if i believe in souls, maybe? Even if i have a soul i still have to make the best out of this life, maybe i’ll get another chance when i die, whether it’s reaincarnation or heaven, hell, whatever. I’m here now, and nothing else matters. I am this brain and this body, maybe there’s a soul here too, but how are you supposed to know that? Maybe this is all you get, one life, one chance, you could live for 100 years or you could die young. But we don’t know for sure, and that’s why i want to keep going. If this is all that i’m going to get i’m going to fight for how i want to live. I tend to think nihilistic thoughts often but i’m trying to change that way that i see the world, myself, what’s beyond our world. If death is what i’ve been thinking that it is for most of my life – that it’s just game over, light’s out, the definition of nothing, then nothing that we do really matters, unless we do something amazing that leaves a mark on this planet, that makes people remember you for a long long time.

One time when i was extremely tired and sad and sick of being alive i sent a message to my best friend and he said some things that really made me rethink my life.

He saved my life when i was suicidal, a few years before that i saved his life when he was suicidal. I told him that it felt like my life is pointless and that it wouldn’t make a difference if i disappeared and that i’m not leaving anything important behind.

And he said: You’re like the only reason that i’m still alive, and you’re wrong, your life is not worthless, you saved my life and after that i saved someones life, it’s like a snowball-effect of lifesaving.

And i think that he’s right, maybe the person he saved saved someone, maybe that person is studying to become a doctor now, maybe that person is going to save so many lives, and maybe the people that they save are going to save a bunch of people.

I thought that this was a beautiful way to look at it and it really keeps me going to have his support and all his love.

It could be worse, i have the best friend ever, he’s my only close friend but i’d rather have one loyal and amazing friend than 10 friends that i can’t really trust (like when i was younger)

I wasn’t going to write anything but here i am writing a super long post, haha. I’m super tired, i’ve been awake all night. It’s midsummer today, but i don’t think we’re going to celebrate or anything. I have some bad memories related to midsummer celebrations and i don’t want to think about it. Swedes tend to drink a lot of alcohol on occasions like these, and as you know if you’ve been reading my blog for a while – i hate alcohol and i’m terrified of drunk people.

Well well well.

I’ll write again soon hopefully.

Publicerad den av luziddreamer

A bad idea

I remember that i wrote something in my old diary a few years ago.

I wrote a list of things that i have to remember, things like
Don’t trust people

People don’t change

Be there for your best friend

and

Don’t try melatonin again, it’s still a bad idea.

I should’ve listened to myself. 2013-15 were very traumatic years for me, and i took melatonin a lot during the whole ”crisis” that my family was in. And now i remember why i wrote down in my diary that i shouln’t use melatonin: Because i get exploding head syndrome, sleep paralysis, awful nightmares and when i wake up i’m hallucinating. Nothing too serious, i’m not hearing voices or anything but i’m hearing random sounds. When i woke up today it sounded like someone was cracking their knuckles, which made me think ”oh my god there’s someone in my room”, which is pretty much impossible because there are like 10 rooms in our house and my room is the smallest and there’s literally nowhere to hide in here, so no one could possibly be here. But then i thought ”oh my god, it was probably a ghost!!”, so i closed my eyes, too scared to look because i’m scared of ghosts even though i don’t believe in them. I don’t believe in life after death at all because i was raised pretty atheist. I might believe in reincarnation, but not heaven or hell or any of that stuff.

Anyway, i’m not gonna take the medicine tomorrow because i’ve only slept 8 hours the past 2 days and that is not enough at all. I need to get my sleep and at this point i don’t care if i’m sleeping in the middle of the day, as long as i am sleeping at all.

And i have been doing so much progress lately, i’m leaving the house so much now. My mom and i are planning to take the ferry to a little island that’s pretty close to where we live, i don’t know which day, we’ll have to see how i’m doing. I’m not going to push myself too hard.

Yesterday i cried for the first time in a long time actually, my mom called me, she had a meeting with the bank because there’s a bunch of things that needs to be taken care of before we move and it made me really sad because i didn’t get the answers that i was expecting, instead we’ll have to wait 2 more weeks and that makes me feel so stressed out. She also told me that i have a doctors appointment, i don’t remember which day it was but i started panicking when she told me that. I am making progress but i don’t feel strong enough to meet a doctor yet. The reason they wanted me to come to the hospital is because in july i’m allowed to get money from the state, since i’m too ill to work or go to school right now. It’s like 800 dollars a month i think, 520 or something after tax, and for me that’s a lot of money because i grew up being poor as fuck, and we still are poor in my family. I felt really sad and worthless when my mom told me that, i don’t pay rent, i don’t pay for food, i don’t pay for medicines. And it made me feel so ashamed that i can’t just get my shit together and go see that doctor, i’m an adult but it feels like i’m still a child. I panic so much about getting older, i want to go back to being 14 and stay there forever.

I know that i haven’t had the same chance to grow up and be an responsible adult like most people, i grew up with addicts and in a lot of ways i had to raise myself and that is incredibly difficult. I didn’t turn out perfect, but who does? I know that not everyone grows up at the same time, it takes longer for some people, especially if you’re mentally ill. And if it’s true what the doctors keep telling me – that i’ve been living with undiagnosed autism my entire life – then it makes even more sense why i feel so lost and lonely in this big world. No one gave me the right help to handle all these feelings that i’ve had for 19 years.

I told mom about my feelings and that i feel so ashamed because i’m so useless and she said:

”I’m not asking you for rent, the money you’ll get from the state is yours, i’m not going to ask you to give it to me. I just want you to have it because you deserve to get help now, it’s your turn now. And you don’t need to worry about it, i’m never ever going to decide one day that you have to get out of here and take care of yourself. Don’t worry about medicines or money or rent. One day you’ll be able to see a doctor and if you can’t do it right now that’s okay.

Erase that thought now, don’t think about it.

There, now it’s gone”

So i’m glad that she understands and all that, but i still feel useless. Maybe it’s because i’m so tired right now. Well well.

Publicerad den av luziddreamer

Faded dreams

I left the house again today, or i guess it was yesterday because it’s the middle of the night here now.

My mom and i drove to the limestone quarry, it was beautiful, we watched the sunrise and i took many pictures and there was a lot of art there, it was waaay bigger than i remembered it.

After that we went home and i ate soy yoghurt and drank a bunch of water because i was feeling nauseous. I think it was because of my fear of heights, when we drove up the hill to the limestone quarry i started to feel a little panicked. And i always have to remind myself that i’m okay, i’m not dying today either.

But i couldn’t stop myself from looking down, and i thought: would i die immediately if i jumped? I hate that i always have these thoughts, i wasn’t even that sad and i didn’t exactly feel suicidal that morning, but i still thought about killing myself, while my mom was standing beside me. It’s terrible.

It’s like i’ve been thinking so much about suicide these 8 years that it’s become so normal to me, i see all dangerous things as a potential suicide method.



Oh well, we’ll have to work on that i guess.

The good thing is that i’ve been leaving the house more times these 3 months than i did the entire last year.

My mom and i decided that i need to get glasses. I did see an eye specialist many years ago and she said that i have astigmatism and that’s one of the reasons that i had headaches all the time when i was still in school. I ended up not getting any glasses after that because everything in my life fell apart shortly after that and i couldn’t focus on anything, i was too ill and i didn’t plan to be alive much longer anyway, so getting glasses seemed completely unnecessary.

So it’s definitely about time that i see a specialist again, i was a child back then and i’m an adult now and i can tell that my eyes has changed, i don’t get headaches that often anymore. Back then i would have headaches every single day and i’d get migraine occasionally, most of it completely disappeared when i went vegan 4 years ago. And i know that the veganism was the ”cure” for me because when i accidentally eat milk or egg, i instantly get headaches. It’s crazy, but it’s okay, i don’t plan to ever eat animals or their body fluids ever again, haha. But i still get migraines sometimes, usually when i have pms, and i get really bad pms, since i already am depressed i tend to gointo complete depressed-i-want-to-die-right-now-or-maybe-slit-my-wrists-a-little-bit-mode when the pms arrives. A tip to all depressed people who have periods – use period tracker apps. It works perfectly for me, i pretty much always get my period on the day that is marked in the little calendar in the app. And if i some day feel extra sad, extra anxious or suicidal i always check the app to see if it’s the hormones fucking with me again, and then i know that i just have to hang in there for a few more days and then i’ll feel a little better. You can also get reminders and notifications on some apps that’ll tell you if you’re about to have pms, ovulation or if your period is about to start. It might take a few months for the app to get to ”know” your cycle, but once it does that it’s reeeally accurate, well, not for everyone of course, everyone is different and all bodies aren’t the same but it’s worth a try. The app i use is called p-tracker. You can also keep track of your mood and if you have period cramps, if you have headaches or back pains, you can put it all in there and see what symptoms you usually have around your period, it’s great, give it a try!

I was talking about my eyes and now i’m here preaching about pms… i can’t focus lol.

Anyway, my eyes suck. Some things are super blurry for me and i stare at screens all the time and i read a lot, and i also paint every single night and it’s hard to create good art when your eyes aren’t working correctly. So yeah, we need to fix that as soon as possible. I’m already looking at some cool glasses that i might buy, we are very poor in this family though and i’m a little scared that we won’t afford it. And i’ve been feeling really ashamed lately because my medicines are so damn expensive, my mom was going to get the prescription for melatonie for me a few days ago and it cost 600 crowns!! Thats like 63 dollars, for melatonin, it would be cheaper if i just ordered it illegaly online… don’t worry, i’m not doing that, i don’t even know if it is still illegal here? 63 dollars probably doesn’t sound like a lot to most of you but for being scandinavia that is hella expensive for some sleeping pills. But we asked the doctor to change the prescription so i could get the same brand that i had a few years ago, which is still expensive but not as expensive as 63 dollars. My mom said that i don’t have to worry and that she’ll always make sure that i get the medicines that i need but i still feel a little bad, i wish that i could just get my shit together so i wouldn’t need all these medicines, but i guess that it’s worth the money because i would probably be dead now if i didn’t have all those medicines.

By the way, i h a t e when people try to make it sound like antidepressants are the acutal devil and that you only need to eat these natural plaaants to cure your depression and that big pharma is making you think that you need antidepressants for the rest of your life so that they can make more money.

Seriously, no, just no, shut up, fuck off. Medicines save people every single second, it stops some of us from jumping in front of a train, we need them to survive and if you think that exercising, eating some random vitamins and drinking water is going to cure peoples bipolar disorder or schizophrenia or depression you’ve probably never experienced the actual horror of living with those illnesses.

We need to talk more about this some time, i’m a little tired now. I’m gonna watch some youtube videos now, i’ve been watching Kendall Rae a lot lately, i like her series about missing persons cases, it’s so faschinating how people can just disappear and never be found again, it’s really scary too of course. I really need to buy a self defence spray or something, since i usually take walks in the middle of the night, i do live on the countryside and nothing ever happens here but you never know. People definitely need to be more careful, especailly women (unfortunately, i wish it didn’t have to be this way).

Do you guys have any thoughts about medicines? are they good? are they bad? is the big pharma conspiracy theory true or is it all bullshit? I’d love to hear your thoughts.



Publicerad den av luziddreamer

Snow

Last night i heard a strange sound.

It was snowing, huge snowflakes. And it’s may, i’ve never experienced snow in may, and i live in northern europe. It was weird.

I woke up today and i almost thought that it was a dream, but i had taken pictures of it and it was real, it snowed, in may, i’m kinda shocked.

I planted spring flowers, tomatoes, parsley and dill a few days ago. It was nice, but i felt very lonely, well i feel lonely most of the time. But i was sitting in the kitchen, listening to soft music with the windows open, i heard the rain. And the only thing i could think of is how nice it would have been to have someone there with me. I ended up putting seeds in 8 pots, now they’re standing on the windowsill, ready to grow.

I want to write more but i don’t have much to say.

I sleep all day and the nights are lonely. I miss being a part of something. Now i’m just, existing, but i don’t feel alive anymore.

Publicerad den av luziddreamer · 6 kommentarer

I don’t know if it’s a bad day or a bad life

I’m very tired, very lonely.

I sleep all day, but i wake up all the time feeling anxious as fuck. And it’s like it doesn’t matter how much i sleep because i always wake up exhausted.

And i’m depressed, nothing matters, i’m jealous of other people and their lives. I feel stuck and disconnected from reality, everyone else is moving forward, growing up and doing amazing things. I’m just sitting here, wishing i was someone else, somewhere else. And i’m afraid that this is all i’m going to get. Whenever people tell me about the good things that are happening in their lives, i get sad. Because i’ll never have what they have.

I’m fucking miserable. Everything is so foggy, it’s like i’m watching everything from the outside.

It’s saint walpurgis eve where i live, people are out there partying with their friends, having fun, living their lives to the fullest. I hear music and fireworks and laughter. I’m sitting on my bed, crying, i want to hurt myself because this fucking anxiety is torture and i don’t know what to do. I’m home alone, it feels like no one cares, i’m losing the only friends i had left.

What’s the point? Why should i even keep fighting? Because it might get better some day?

What if it doesn’t and i’m just here wasting my time?

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I’m falling apart

I was standing in the livingroom with tears streaming down my face for an hour yesterday.

My mom said that she’s tired of seeing me like this, that i deserve real help, that she feels sorry for me because nothing is my fault.

She talked to a nurse and they said that i could come to the hospital any day. any time, because they really want to meet me and help me.

I’m just so tired, i have no motivation, i’ve already said that many times but it’s honestly ruining my life. I want to be happy but i don’t have the energy to change, i want to feel nothing.

I took olanzapine and prometazin yesterday, after crying and panicking for so long, and i slept for 15 hours. Maybe longer, i don’t even remember.

I think about suicide. A lot. I can’t change. They tell me that i’m at the bottom now and it can only get better from here, and i don’t know if i believe them because it feels like i’ve been at the bottom for 5 years and nothing is getting better. Things are getting worse every second.

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The first summer day?

It is getting warmer.

I stay awake all night because it’s kinda cold, but then it’s hard for me to sleep in the middle of the day because it’s so warm. I’m really sensitive to heat, whenever it gets warmer it feels like i’m a prisoner in my own body, like i can’t escape it, just like i can’t escape from the anxiety.

My mom took out my fan today and cleaned it, it was very dusty after being in a closet all winter. I know that a fan won’t help when it gets really warm, i really need to buy a real AC, too bad i’m poor.

I’ve been hating myself lately. Mostly because of the fact that i have no motivation to change, i should leave the house, just for 10 minutes or 5 minutes or even one minute, but i can’t, i refuse. Nothing scares me more than this, i’m afraid that this is how i’ll always feel, that i’ll always choose the safety of my own room over the world that is outside of these walls.

I need to shower, and i should probably change the sheets in my bed, and my floor is so dirty, i should probably do something about that. But i’m not doing it. I’m just sitting here, staring at nothing, waiting… i don’t even know what i’m waiting for.

It’s not like i’m going to wake up one day and not be mentally ill anymore, i’m not going to change and become a good and decent person overnight. This is what i am, i’m totally useless. I’m disgusting and depressed and it would be better for everyone if i died.

But i’m not going to kill myself because i don’t have any energy left to do that.

I remember that i felt okay a few weeks ago, i told you that i thought that the medicine was working, but now everything is dark again and the only reason i remember that i felt okay is because i told you about it in a blog post, if i had not written it down i wouldn’t have remembered it. Like, i try to think about it, i try to remember how it felt to not be in complete darkness but i really can’t. It’s weird, it’s frustrating as fuck.

It’s not going to be like this forever

it’s not going to be like this forever

it’s not going to be like this forever!!!

!!!Update!!!

I took a few pills to calm me down and then i removed the dirty sheets from my bed, showered, and then i changed to clean sheets. Now i’m eating salty pretzels and drinking chocolate oat milk.

I know that this probably sounds so pathetic to some people. Most people shower and clean every single day, but when you’re depressed it really is a challenge, i had to use all my energy to do these simple tasks and now i’m so tired that i could pass out. Whatever, it doesn’t matter, i did it and i’m fucking proud.

Publicerad den av luziddreamer

Can you keep a secret?

I feel lonelier than ever.

The blades are screaming my name, i’m too tired to fight it. The medicines are not working. I’m panicking because i’m not making any progress.

I see people hanging out with their friends and i think ”i’m never going to have something like that again… i’m never going to have a group of friends, or a partner, or a real family”

I don’t even know if it’s true, if i’m going to be this lonely forever, but it feels real.

I don’t know why i’m still alive.

I should probably turn off the sad music, turn off my laptop and my phone and fall asleep and forget everything that happened tonight.

And try again tomorrow.

I mean, try to make things better, nothing else.

Publicerad den av luziddreamer

Monsters in the ballroom

Happy easter.

My mom and i made traditional swedish easter food, but vegan of course. It was really good.

I had bad anxiety last night, i could not sleep and i took a high dose of my anxiety medicines but it did not help at all.

When i finally fell asleep i had nightmares, it felt very real. I always forget my good dreams and remember the bad ones. I haven’t slept without dreaming for months… or maybe years? I don’t remember what it’s like to not wake up sweaty, with anxiety beating in my chest, sometimes with sleep paralysis, sometimes with hallucinations. Oh, and exploding head syndrome.

The only thing i like about sleeping is that it’s almost like being dead.

I’ve been listening to In flames a lot lately. Always with the highest volume possible, i try to drown my thoughts in music. My ears hurt now, i hear ringing noices all the time. I know i should be careful but i’m so tired of hearing my own thoughts. I just want them to shut up for once.

I don’t want to think about the razor blades and suicide and the future. The future terrifies me.

Publicerad den av luziddreamer

Is this how i’ll always be?

I stayed up all night yesterday, i woke upp really late.

Mom came home and i broke down. She tells me that everyone talks about me, that they all want to see me again, she suggested that we could go to my grandparents on easter. And i said no.

I have tears in my eyes right now but i already cried enough today, i’m gonna force myself to not cry.

The problem is that i have no motivation. I’ve been isolated for so many years and i forgot what it’s like to have a life outside of this house. I’m numb to the world. I know that i’m destroying myself by staying here, but i just can’t force myself to change because it feels like it wouldn’t make a difference. I feel like a lost cause.

Tmi maybe, but my period was one week late this month and that never happens, i’ve hade an extremely regular period since i was 11 years old. I think that might be why my mind is so messy right now. I always keep track of my period so i know when it’s ”normal” anxiety and when it’s anxiety plus hormones, so this month it was like i’ve had 2 weeks of pms and i’ve been waiting for my period because the pms usually fades a little bit afterwards.

Sooo, i’m gonna hold on i guess.

My mom also told me something today.

In 2014-2016 i was mentally abused by a few people at the social service, it’s a really long story and i’m going to tell you all about some day but right now i can’t because i still have PTSD and i try not to think about what happened to me. But anyways, we reported these people and recently we got a letter that said that they are investigating the social services in my town and that our report is going to be helping a lot.

Hopefully i will be given a few thousand dollars for the suffering they caused me. It’s not going to make me forget the trauma or fix everything that they destroyed, but it’s something.